Apple argues undelivered i-phones should be classed as works of art in the latest twist of the tech giant’s fight over EU taxes.
The European Commission is demanding Apple pays €13 billion tax in Ireland, whilst Apple argues they should be paying taxes in the United States where the important stuff like design and research take place – delivering to customers from the Irish logistics and distribution centre being nothing more than an unfortunate inconvenience that the company has to put up with.
Apple’s Head of Research and Development Mrs. Anne Droid said, “People purchase Apple products because of our reputation for excellence. We employ a team of 40 people to accidentally drop their phones down the loo to ensure the product retains its classic look and feel when you’re forced to hold your nose with one hand and wade through a bowlful of human excrement with the other. Our screens are designed to crack in a specific pattern when dropped to the floor and we have a special department to make sure the wires get tangled in a certain way when you leave the headphones in your coat pocket for a week.”
Whilst it is clear that delivering a new mobile phone to customers that have purchased one is of some importance, Apple argues that this pales into insignificance when compared with the fact that the polymer used in a phone’s battery compartment cover is derived from a substance developed using the underarm hair of a mermaid and the tears of a premature baby Unicorn.
“The Mona Lisa painting isn’t worth what it’s worth simply because whoever buys it will get it delivered within 3-5 working days via DHL, it’s worth what it’s worth because of the inherent value that exists as a result of the painstaking work and mastery that went into its creation and the same is true of Apple’s products. If only those philistines over in Brussels would agree – they’re probably all on Android anyway which would explain their understanding of the finer points of high culture,” Mrs. Droid added.
Whether or not customers agree with the idea that a new mobile phone being blessed by a Buddhist monk flying on a Griffin adds more value than delivering it on time remains to be seen, but Apple’s lawyers will certainly be making a case for the former in a legal battle that promises to continue for several years to come.