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Huawei – zero sales in the UK would be a significant improvement on past performance


Huawei says sales will improve if the UK high court upholds an injunction banning it from selling smartphones in the UK.


The Chinese mobile phone giant has been ordered to pay royalties on the millions of smartphone sales it makes around the world, but says that being banned from the UK marketplace is a bit like being told to sit on the naughty step after committing genocide.

Huawei’s Head of Copyrights and Patents Mr. Ian Fringement said, “Everybody knows that no one in the UK has a Huawei phone so threatening us with a ban is like threatening Bruce Willis with a haircut. We would actually experience an increase in sales if we were banned from selling our phones to UK customers because at the moment we can’t even give them away – so there!”

Huawei has been ordered to pay a licence fee to Unwired Planet, a US company that owns thousands of patents obtained from Ericsson, but staff at the phone manufacturer says its UK sales have been so sluggish of late that it would be quite nice to sit in the monthly sales meeting and be told how much things have improved even though sales are now at zero.

The injunction has been put on hold as Huawei prepares to appeal the ruling, although insiders have stated that the company will be doing its utmost to get removed from UK shelves as its performance KPIs are focused on % growth rather than total sales.

“Trying to beat Apple and Samsung in the UK is like trying to extinguish a volcano by spitting. We’d all be a lot better off if we simply didn’t bother. It is therefore the strategy of our legal team to offend the judge in our upcoming appeal hearing in the High Court by telling him he looks like the bloke on the front of a packet of Quaker Oats. Hopefully this should be enough to get the ban extended,” Mr. Fringement added.




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