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Industrial Revolution - The W1nners' Club

HSBC – the bank’s plush new Birmingham headquarters are expected to open in January


HSBC remains nonplussed as to why staff have collectively refused to move to its new British headquarters in Birmingham.


The bank has tried pretty much everything bar threats and intimidation in a bid to encourage employees to make the 120-mile move from London.

HSBC’s Head of Living in the West Midlands, Mr. Dudley Town-Centre said, “To be honest with you I don’t know what the problem is. We’ve tried everything to try and get our employees to relocate from London to Birmingham but none of them are having any of it. We’ve offered bonuses, we’ve offered to help people pack their belongings and we’ll even help you purchase an Aston Villa season ticket if you’ve spent the last few years watching either Arsenal, Tottenham or Chelsea – but even that doesn’t seem to help. There’s clearly a knowledge gap within our organisation as to how happy people will be living in the Black Country instead of the capital.”

The reluctance of the bank’s staff to move to the Midlands comes despite the congestion employees will endure whilst trying to drive through spaghetti junction every morning on their way in to work, although HSBC has stated on record that New Street Station during rush hour is one of the highlights of the working day for many of the city’s commuters.

HSBC also hopes to entice staff to make the move from the capital by highlighting the fact that their children will develop a Birmingham accent after a couple of years of schooling in the West Midlands – a fact the bank hopes will be promoted every time Ozzy Osbourne opens his mouth.

“The average disposable income in the UK is £17,559 whereas in Birmingham it’s a mere £13,575. Staff should think of all the money they will no longer be wasting on frivolous items like holidays and nights out with your mates. In our opinion moving to Birmingham is a complete no-brainer,” Mr. Town-Centre added.


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