Heineken has developed a zero-alcohol beer with the sole aim of destroying the sex lives of people who got twatted with an ugly stick at birth.
Heineken 0.0 will roll out across 14 markets this year and sees the brand’s usual green label turn blue to highlight the drink’s zero alcohol content as well as the loneliness that will be experienced by people who struggle to get laid unless a severe case of the beer goggles is prevalent.
Heineken’s Head of Sexual Attraction Mrs. Farah Mones said, “Ugly people have been getting away with it for far too long. You can have someone that looks like they were drawn by a blindfolded Picasso copping off with people for no reason other than the fact that the other person is pissed out of their head in a nightclub. In our opinion the drinks industry has to take responsibility for such occurrences and we must do our best to ensure the ugly gene isn’t able to proliferate.”
European consumers have consistently cut back on alcoholic drinks recently as waking up in the morning next to somebody you would usually cross the street to avoid becomes increasingly less acceptable.
Heineken 0.0 will launch with an integrated marketing campaign that showcases the tagline ‘No more regrets,’ a reference to the new beverage’s suitability for drinking occasions which might call for a beer, but where there also exists the considerable risk that you could end up snogging somebody that you will later regret such as office parties and weddings.
“We are committed to introducing new and innovative products to meet consumer needs and there is often no greater need than having the ability to wake up on a Sunday morning knowing that you didn’t disgrace yourself at your Auntie’s 50th birthday party. The name Heineken 0.0 is a reference to the percentage likelihood you’ll end up in bed with a munter as a result of drinking the new beverage. Ugly people, you have been warned,” Mrs. Mones added.