Convicts in the HBOS fraud trial are hoping to avoid any drug-fuelled sex parties when they arrive in prison.
Despite drugs being more readily available in jail than they are at the average pharmacist, the senior bankers involved in the trial are ironically, hoping to stay out of trouble for the full term of their sentence.
Defence barrister for the HBOS bankers, Mr. Clerk Chambers said, “I can confirm that my clients will be going straight as soon as they arrive at the prison gates. They won’t get involved in any shady lending activity and will wholeheartedly refrain from suggesting to fellow inmates that existing commercial enterprises within the prison should be placed under their control or else face financial ruin.”
Lending practices inside the prison system are said to be not too dissimilar to those employed by HBOS’ corporate division back in the noughties when small business owners were automatically classified as, ‘high risk,’ even though they had never missed a repayment – a financial principle that has its merits when lending a bar of soap to a convicted armed robber.
One of the convicted men, Lynden Scourfield, in his role as Head of HBOS’ Impaired Assets Division, was responsible for strong arming small business owners into appointing Quayside Corporate Services (QCS) as turnaround consultants in return for continued support from the bank and his experience of such tactics should stand him in good stead when fellow lags steal his desert at mealtimes before consulting him about whether he should turn around in the showers.
HBOS and its successor Lloyds Banking Group, have sought to portray the crimes of Mills, Bancroft, Scourfield and co. as the work of fraudsters evading the bank’s internal controls and the current overcrowding crisis in jail will mean they have just as much opportunity to evade the watchful eye of the authorities – although this time around the only assets getting stripped will be their own.