Harrods insist their new £80 bottles of, ‘luxury water,’ have multiple uses beyond simply making dinner guests feel guilty about asking for a glass whilst choking on a bit of meat that has gone down the wrong hole.
The 750ml bottles of Svalbarði Polar Iceberg Water are harvested from icebergs in the Arctic Ocean and the process involves gathering 15 tonnes of ice that is melted and bottled by hand in order to, ‘capture the water in its purest form.’
Harrods’ Head of Food Retail Mrs. Bryony Saltwater said, “Many people have expressed disgust that we charge £80 for a bottle of table water, but to focus solely on our product as a meal accompaniment is sorely missing the point. Our product has been purchased by Arab Sheiks that want to have high-end water fights and if you’re thinking of washing your car but the car in question is a Bugatti Veyron, then you’re not going to want to use normal tap water are you? You’re going to want the good stuff!”
The brand’s founder said he came up with the idea of iceberg water after collecting melt water from the Norwegian territory of Svalbard in 2013 as a gift for his wife, although it is unclear if the lady in question was happy with the novel gift idea, or would simply have preferred a couple of reindeer skins and an, ‘I went to Norway and all I got was this lousy t-shirt,’ type present instead.
The craft product is said to have the, ‘taste of snow in air’ and apparently evokes recollections of ‘snowflakes on the tongue,’ a sensation which anybody that has wandered around in a snowstorm with their mouth open for 10 minutes can tell you is extremely unrewarding at best.
“If you can’t afford expensive drinks but still want to add a bit of bling to a glass of Fanta, you can freeze some of our iceberg water and all of a sudden your soft drink is now worth more than Krug champagne. Similarly, you can do some really indulgent hand washing if you soak your soiled pants in our iceberg water and a bit of bleach – getting rid of skid marks has never been quite so decadent and luxurious before now,” Mrs. Saltwater added.