Hangovers are set to increase exponentially at Lloyds of London after its HR department introduced a ban on lunchtime drinking.
Staff at one of London’s most historic financial institutions could face the sack if caught breaking the new rules and as a result have taken to getting pissed after work like fish that have been feeding on a salt-only diet for the past month.
Lloyds of London’s Director of Human Resources Mrs. Brandy Noon said, “Everybody knows that happy workers are far less easy to manage than people in the office that are suffering from alcohol withdrawal, so as a result we will ban lunchtime drinking in the hope that staff go out more at night. Then, at lunchtime when employees usually go for their, ‘hair of the dog,’ pint – they won’t be able to because they’ll get fired if they do. We’ll have a workforce full of chemically dependent robots that we can bully and offer incentives to like whisky miniatures if they complete specific tasks.”
The ban is among various changes being made to the Lloyds of London Company Employee Guide as part of an overall HR policy review that is sponsored by One Under Lime; one of the London Square Mile’s most popular drinking and dining venues, Taxi firm Addison Lee, Condom maker Durex, Nurofen, Berocca and Danish Bacon.
City workers have historically had a reputation for daytime drinking but Lloyd’s claims it now has a duty to be a responsible employer by providing a healthy working environment – this despite the new measures that will inevitably encourage employees to consume as many pints as possible in the tiny window of time between leaving work and getting the train home.
“After work employees can drink enough booze to knock out a blue whale if they so choose, they can inject themselves with heroin, visit an illegal Soho sex dungeon or all of the above for all we care. During the hours of 9-5 however, the onus remains on staff to be professional at all times and drinking half a pint of lager with food might make you say something silly down the phone to a client that you may later regret,” Mrs. Noon added.