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Goldman Sachs - The W1nners' Club

Goldman Sachs – The Tower of, ‘Powa.’


Goldman Sachs are slowly coming round to the idea that $50bn is actually quite a lot of money and tentatively agree you can’t simply say a company is worth that amount without it at least selling a few units of whatever it is they supply first.


The W1nners’ Club has been party to a document that shows Goldman Sachs valued the failed British tech unicorn Powa, at between $16bn and $18bn in September 2015, five months before its collapse. The bank also stated the technology firm was on a, “clear path,” to a $50bn valuation – which is a bit like telling everyone you’re going to win the Euro millions next week whilst holding a betting slip for the 2:46pm dog race at Sandown Park.

Goldman’s head of corporate valuations Mr. Affi Davids said, “on reflection we concede we might have got a bit carried away with everything. The way things have been in the tech world recently it seems all you have to do to value a company is pick a nice sounding figure and stick the word, ‘billion,’ after it.”

Powa went into administration in February of this year amid tales of profligate company expenditure and staff only using one side of A4 paper to print photocopies out on.

Mr. Davids said, “look – we have very strict rules on the criteria we use to value companies. If it’s a tech firm we stick, ‘billion,’ at the end of the number we use, if it’s a Premier League football club we stick, ‘million,’ on and if it’s a high street retail chain with the letters B, H, or S, in the name we don’t stick on anything at all.”

A spokesman for Deloitte said, “Goldman Sachs should have known really. It’s all in the spelling. How can a company be valued at $50bn if its management can’t even spell the word, ‘Power,’ properly?”

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