Fever Tree Tonic Water is now so valuable that gin will be used as the mixer in drinks that contain it going forward.
A thimble full of the stuff is said to be worth more than its equivalent weight in unicorn tears, fairy saliva and dodo droppings according to a recent financial study.
Fever Tree’s Head of Incredibly Posh Mixers Mr. Quinn Nene said, “At the moment we have a premium Indian tonic water, a naturally light tonic water, a Mediterranean tonic water, an elderflower tonic water and a premium lemon tonic tonic water which has the word ‘tonic’ appearing twice in the name so it must be REALLY posh. Our boffins at the Fever Tree flavour research laboratory have however come up with a ground breaking new idea – the gin and tonic! It’ll basically be a tiny splash of our tonic water topped up with gin and will be targeted at people who can’t afford to go all out on Fever Tree tonic water on its own.”
Fever Tree first hit upon the idea of using gin as a mixer in its gin and tonic drinks when customers started to complain that for the equivalent price of a bottle of the company’s tonic water, you could easily get completely rat-arsed and still have enough money to buy a kebab and not have to jump a taxi to get home.
Premium gin makers have expressed concern that their painstakingly crafted artisan blends are being reduced to simply providing the alcoholic levels required to enable people to justify taking out a mortgage to buy a bottle of tonic water.
“Our tonic water is now so valuable that rather than putting a 50ml serving of gin into a glass and topping it up with Fever Tree, it’s far more cost effective to put a 50ml shot of Fever Tree into a glass and to then top it up with gin. You might end up completely off your bollocks but at least you won’t wake up the next day feeling guilty that you pissed a load of Fever Tree Tonic Water up a wall the previous night – which incidentally would also be worth a small fortune if the Quinine could be extracted from the wee stain,” Mr. Nene added.