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Funerals – very hard to make a decent living out of these days….


The price of funerals have fallen by as much as 25% as the newly deceased start to shop around for the best deals in the marketplace.


Dignity, the UK’s only listed funeral business, is cutting the price of its entry level funeral by a quarter to just under £2,000 amid growing competition from online companies that are able to provide decent digital funerals at a fraction of the cost of a real one.

Dignity’s Head of Corpse Management Mrs. Emma Balmer said, “funerals have been disrupted by the internet and the dead are wising up to the fact that it’s far more convenient to have an online funeral these days rather than a real one. For a start, you don’t have to order a hearse as you can simply use stock footage of one driving into a cemetery. You don’t even have to pay for booze at the wake because the people you see carrying the casket don’t even have to be your relatives – add to that the fact that it doesn’t even have to be you inside the casket and all of a sudden you could potentially have your own funeral without even needing to be dead.”

Dignity says that customers are increasingly shopping around for cheaper online funeral deals and it is thought that the main reason why you tend to see lots of people of oriental extraction on funeral videos these days is mainly due to the plethora of cheap online funeral imports obtained from China through the Alibaba website.

Large numbers of savvy customers have taken to enjoying their special day before they kick the bucket as this can prove especially helpful when deciding who to include in your will – ie. those that don’t bother to turn up can immediately be ruled out of receiving any inheritance of any kind when you finally do pop your clogs.

“The Office for National Statistics estimates there will be approximately 580,000 deaths this year but the government needs to do more to ensure that enough people are dying regularly enough to support what is by far one of our oldest industries. In the past you could rely on a decent war to bump up the numbers so we’re hoping that Brexit may mark a return to some of the policies we adopted before Britain joined the EU,” Mrs. Balmer added.


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