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Wi-Fi - The W1nners' Club

Wi-Fi – not yet available on multi-million pound racing yachts equipped with the latest in satellite navigation technology


Former BHS owner Dominic Chappell has told a court that installing Wi-Fi on a £5 million racing yacht costs more than the price of acquiring a high street retail chain.


Mr. Chappell, who bought BHS from retail tycoon Sir Philip Green for £1 a year before the company’s collapse, has been accused by the Pensions Regulator of not providing a good enough excuse for not answering emails and always having his mobile phone go straight through to voicemail.

The Pensions Regulator’s Head of Chasing People Up Who Never Respond to Email and Phone Calls, Mr. Ian Solvent said, “Does Mr. Chappell honestly expect us to believe that he doesn’t have an internet connection on his racing yacht? Those things are equipped with the very latest in satellite navigation technology. He says he hasn’t responded to our requests for information about the collapse of BHS because he doesn’t have access to any Wi-Fi when he’s out sailing. If I spent millions on a f*cking yacht, i’d at least ask the showroom if they could throw in a 2nd hand Blackberry so that I could post the odd selfie under the hashtag #boatymcboatface.”

When Mr. Chappell was asked why he hadn’t installed any Wi-Fi on his racing yacht, ‘Maverick 5’ by the judge at Brighton Magistrates court, he replied: “Have you seen what the set up charges are for a new internet connection these days? You could buy several high street retailers for that price as long as the pension fund is in deficit by at least £571million and Sir Philip Green is selling.”

Representing himself in court, Mr. Chappell said a copy of the summons had not yet arrived at his remote country home either, but that as well as having no internet on a multi-million pound sailing boat equipped with state of the art navigation technology, his multi-million pound mansion isn’t accessible by land, sea or air – proof if it were needed that you should never ever defend yourself in court.

“Having no internet these days is a bit like having no symptoms during the plague. You’re either not telling the truth, or you’re a lying c*nt,” Mr. Solvent added.


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