Apple has employed the services of Public Enemy Rapper Flavour Flav after losing a legal battle over whether its smartwatch straps are an accessory that should be taxed individually or as part of the device.
A tax tribunal in London has ruled that the straps are “pieces of plastic” and therefore an “accessory”, not part of the technology, so Apple is developing a new strapless version for people that don’t give a shit about how ridiculous they’ll look wearing one around their neck in public.
Apple’s Head of Hip Hop wearables Mr. Mike Rowe-Phone said, “Yo! The tax court be buggin’ G. How you going to charge a brother Benjamins for importing phone straps when the straps ain’t rolling with the main technology on the device? What the dealy with that? The Judge be cold trying to diss Apple with import duties an’ shit. We done hooked up with my man Flavour Flav to create a strapless version for all the hustlers, fiends and OG’s that are still representing.”
(Roughly translated this means: ‘The Apple Watch is part of an ever-increasing range of products that fall into the category of wearable technology. The watch’s sensors, including the heart rate monitor and accelerometer, wouldn’t work without the strap and as such the straps are therefore an integral part of the electronic product.’)
Products imported into the UK are subject to import duties between 0pc and 17pc, with electronics generally being duty free. Apple doesn’t currently pay any duty on its smartwatches and smartphones and the only way to maintain the status quo is to find a way of convincing the general public that walking around with a timepiece around your neck is the future of wearable technology – hence the reason why the company’s new slogan is rumoured to be, ‘Think different – Yeeaaaah! Booooii!’
Apple have yet to confirm whether they will appeal against the ruling but Mr. Rowe-Phone issued the following statement whilst attaching a new set of chrome spinning hubcaps to his low rider: “Elvis was a hero to most, But he never meant shit to me you see, straight up – racist that sucker was simple and plain, Mother f*ck him and John Wayne!”