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Dyson - The W1nners' Club

Dyson – Winner of this year’s Great British Suck Off

 

Sir James Dyson and his company have won this year’s annual suction challenge, ‘The Great British Suck Off.’

 

The popular TV show, previously referred to as ‘Suck Off,’ is the UK’s foremost suction competition which selects from amongst its contestants the finest entities capable of forcing substances into a vacant space by creating a partial vacuum.

Dyson’s Head of Channel 4 Television Competitions Mrs. Tevey Ratings said, “In previous years the competition rules favoured our rivals because we were up against other vacuum cleaner manufacturers like Siemens and Bosch. In our opinion this was completely unfair because everybody knows you can’t win an engineering competition against the Germans, so we campaigned for Brexit and then took our case to the European Court of Justice to force a change in the rules. We now only have to test our vacuums against things you’d find in the ‘real world,’ because everybody knows that German vacuum cleaners don’t really exist.”

Among the other competitors Dyson faced in this year’s version of the competition were: somebody trying to snort cocaine from a toilet seat in a dingy nightclub in Basingstoke and a street prostitute servicing a client in a darkened alleyway in London’s Soho.

In the new format, contestants are given three challenges: a signature suck where they demonstrate their skills in front of friends and family, a technical challenge where the suction has to take place within a limited time frame, and a show-stopper where contestants get to show off their skills and talent overall.

“This is a rare and historic win that affirms Dyson’s view that testing must represent performance in realistic situations that most people encounter on a daily basis. As a result of our victory therefore, we plan to enter our hair dryers in, ‘The Great British Blow-Off,’ which will more than likely feature exactly the same contestants,” Mrs. Ratings added.

 

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