Investors and businesses are preparing for share prices to fall lower than the future social status of illegal immigrant Mexicans if Donald Trump wins the US election.
A victory by Trump is expected to send shares into freefall and most of the major trading banks will have staff on high alert this evening as the financial world prepares for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Head Stock Analyst at Citi Group, Mrs. Dee Benture said, “Something terrible is about to enter this world and this election is obviously the door. I mean Old Testament, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!”
It is feared several trillions could be added or subtracted from the notional wealth of the planet in the event of a Trump win and the hours between the polls closing and the announcement of a clear result will be testing to say the least as the entire planet waits for the end of existence.
“When Nigel Farage or, ‘The Gatekeeper,’ as he’s more commonly known in Babylonian circles yelled, ‘Choose the form of the destructor!’ a while back, somebody somewhere must have been watching the US version of The Apprentice at the time. They must have thought the least likely form the destructor would ever take apart from the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was Donald Fucking Trump and now look! He’s about to become the most powerful entity on earth!” Mrs. Benture added.
US media will make the announcement of the election results at about 3 or 4am when the polls close in California, by which time Mr. Trump will already have asked the question of humanity, “Are you a God?” and if we answer, ‘no,’ he will simply reply, “Then……..DIIIIIIE!” in response.
America’s Mexican, Muslim, Gay and Female populations are yet to make an official statement as to what they will do if hell does indeed freeze over but a source said, “If Trump gets in we will order him to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to his place of origin, or the next convenient parallel dimension. If that doesn’t work then we’re fucked!”
No one from the Clinton camp was available for comment as everybody is busy having a rap battle with The Wu-Tang Clan in the Gazebo at the end of Jay-Z’s garden.