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Marmite - The W1nners' Club

Marmite – a better replacement for Sterling than Adam Lallana

Consumer brand wholesaler Unilever last night threw its considerable weight behind a nationwide campaign to ditch the pound in favour of Marmite.

The recent steep drop in the value of sterling as a result of Brexit means the cost of importing products into the UK has soared significantly and as a result, Unilever have spearheaded calls for a referendum on whether we should keep the pound or not.

Unilever’s head of imports and exports Mr. Derek Trotter had this to say: “It’s down to simple economics really. The pound is worth less than one of those emergency sewing kits you get from off licences that are open on Christmas day now. I mean, even all those discount stores are having to rename themselves, ‘Tenner shop,’ or, ‘Note smasher,’ it’s like living in Weimar fucking Germany.”

The UK currency has experienced a sharp decline in value since the British public voted to leave the EU and recent polls suggest there is considerable public opinion in favour of ditching the pound.

“What’s the point in having a currency if you can’t buy anything with it anymore? Back in May before the referendum, I used to be able to nip across to Calais in a van and stock up on cheap booze and fags to use for my local Golf Club’s fund raising raffle – that’s all gone now. A bottle of whisky from France now costs the same as – well, a bottle of fucking Whisky! If using Marmite as the national currency means cheap booze again, then I’m all for it,” said an unnamed gentleman that was wearing a t-shirt that says, “I’m a lover,” on it.

Research suggests the population is equally divided between people that want to see the pound replaced by Marmite as our new currency who are known as, ‘Lovers,’ and people that want us to keep the pound who are known as, ‘haters.’

The government’s official position is firmly within the, ‘hater,’ camp, although it is rumoured Michael Gove and Boris Johnson have been rekindling their shady alliance with the likes of Nigel Farage in support of the, ‘lover,’ campaign.

Unilever’s Mr. Trotter said, “The situation with Sterling now is a bit like when we were on the Gold Standard back in the 1920s. It caused the great depression which led to World War Two. If we convert to Marmite as our national currency, we can avoid this happening again because Marmite has real value – You can’t just stroll into a supermarket and see shelves full of the stuff anymore can you?”

Many in the hater camp remain suspicious of Unilever’s ulterior motives, as they hold more Marmite in reserves than the government currently hold in Sterling. A switch to the ‘Marmite Standard,’ therefore, would effectively give Unilever full executive control of the economy.

“That’s kind of what we’re hoping for,” said Mr. Trotter in response.

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