Deutsche Bank has apologised to the German people for getting caught mis-selling toxic sub-prime mortgage securities and allowing dodgy Russians to use it as a money laundering service.
The largest bank in Germany purchased a full page advert in 10 of the country’s largest circulating newspaper titles – although it’s unclear whether the adverts ran in a part of the paper that actually gets seen like just before page 3, or right at the back next to the crossword and Sudoku page where all the WWII Spitfire commemorative figurines go.
Deutsche Bank’s Head of Newspaper Advertising Procurement Mr. Klaas Ified said, “We admit we have been a tinsey-winsey bit naughty in the past and like everybody else that gets caught doing something wrong, we are sorry we got caught. As a result of being rumbled we have had to pay out exorbitant amounts of money and our reputation has been damaged – it’s important the German people understand how gutted we are about this.”
Deutsche Bank agreed to pay the US treasury over $7 billion just before Christmas for getting caught mis-selling sub-prime mortgage securities in the run up to the financial crisis and last week the bank was charged £500 million by the UK and US authorities for doing the anti-money laundering equivalent of scratching your balls then pretending to rub your nose whilst having a darn good sniff.
Deutsche Bank posted a loss of £1.2 billion over 2016 – an amount that was announced in a tumultuous, dramatic final scene involving US and UK finance department officials, a latex mask of financial probity and the cast of Scooby Doo.
‘Okay it was us that carried out more than 2,400 pairs of trades to convert roubles into dollars and move over $6bn to accounts in countries including Cyprus and Latvia – we’d have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for them meddling financial conduct authority representatives!’ says the text in the newspaper adverts.