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Pornhub - The W1nners Club

Pornhub – hopefully his micro won’t go soft

 

Adult video company Pornhub recently published its annual report and the trends and insights of the past year have caused a collective gag reflex among experts.

 

The company registered 92 billion video views over 12 months – approximately 13 views for every man, woman and child on the planet, thus confirming the idea that Donald Trump is by no means the only wanker on earth.

Pornhub’s Head of Customer Engagement Mr. Phil de Palmer said, “64 million visitors a day have been watching over 4.6 billion hours of porn in just over a year. It explains why refuse collectors no longer take garden waste, why Ambulances take so long to get to an emergency call and why you can’t get a decent plumber on a weekend – everybody’s busy tossing themselves off!”

The stats didn’t disclose anything anybody didn’t know beforehand by stating that the United States contains the most wankers on the planet, closely followed by the UK, Canada, India and Japan – with France of course punching way above its weight when it comes to the average amount of tossers you can expect to meet per square mile.

Despite the proliferation of mobile phones, 28% of Onanists still choose to perform their daily tasks via desktop PCs – although it’s unclear how many of these people stream from their hard drive or how many simply get by using a floppy.

“If masturbation was bird flu, the human race would have lost its ability to reproduce itself ages ago, such is the size of the pandemic – as it happens it’s mainly the people that haven’t got a hope in hell of reproducing that account for the vast majority of video views on our website. Nevertheless, the data shows that whilst everybody might be no more than 6ft. away from a rat at any given moment – there are at least four wankers for every human being on the planet,” said Mr. de Palmer.

Pornhub’s report says that 80% of worldwide masturbating is done through Windows, although it’s unclear whether this involves spying at a sexy neighbour through a gap in the curtain using a pair of binoculars.

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