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Deliveroo - The W1nners' Club

Deliveroo: “it’s not a kangaroo in the traditional sense so there’s no need to pay any vet charges.”


Bosses at Deliveroo and Uber have told MPs that not paying sick pay, pensions, or a guaranteed minimum wage is all part and parcel of the gig economy – but there’s also a downside to it all.


Senior executives at the tech firms told MPs that a change in the law currently being discussed by the government to give workers in the so-called gig economy basic employment protection, would not in theory force their businesses to close, but it would make them feel very much like, ‘proper,’ companies and nobody wants that now do they?

Deliveroo’s Head of Inhuman Resources Mr. Benny Fits said, “It’s important the government realises that we’re not a proper company. We don’t go for beers after work, we don’t send an envelope around the office to collect spare change for staff birthdays and we absolutely, categorically, with God as my witness – have never, ever done a secret santa. It’s the price we pay for not having to fork out any national insurance I guess.”

Gig economy firms have admitted that their businesses would continue to be commercially viable if they no longer relied on self-employed workers who do not receive employment benefits, but also stated that there’s nothing quite like hiring an out of work actor in terms of being able to get away with not covering costs which the taxpayer will have to pick up.

Deliveroo has confirmed it is doing away with a controversial clause in its contracts that prevents couriers from taking the company to an employment tribunal; a move the company fears may be an early step down the rocky road towards having to shell out for an office party.

“Listen, you don’t hear us moaning about business rates because strictly speaking we’re not a business. All we are is a few pixels and a bit of code that gets parsed in your mobile phone’s browser. If we wanted to be a proper company we’d get a printer that only ever works when you don’t need anything printing,” Mr. Fits added.


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