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Toilet Break - The W1nners' Club

Debenhams – reinventing the shit break as a perk for staff


Debenhams has come top of the league for companies that underpay staff, so will increase the number of toilet breaks it allows in an attempt to meet the national minimum wage.


The department store chain underpaid staff £10 each on average in 2015 because of a ‘technical error on its payroll system,’ but says this difference can easily be made up when employees play Candy Crush whilst pretending to use the loo a couple of times a day.

Debenhams’ Head of Payroll Mrs. Carrie Forward said, “As things stand at the moment, staff members that take an excessive amount of, ‘shit breaks,’ get asked to stay behind after hours for impromptu, ‘strategy meetings,’ to make up the difference. Since our naming and shaming by HMRC however, we’ve decided to continue to punish superabundant pooping with unpaid overtime, but this will be scaled back to bring staff remuneration in line with the national minimum wage.”

More than 1,000 firms have now been publicly shamed for underpaying staff since the name and shame system was introduced in 2013 – although the fact that the latest list of payroll peculators is at a record high 360 firms would suggest there isn’t much shaming going on.

One of the excuses firms used for underpaying staff included docking workers’ wages to pay for their Christmas party, which in our opinion is a total bummer if you get sacked at the end of November having started the job in January. The staff member in question would have to turn up uninvited like the expelled kid at school who comes to sports day on a motorbike wearing no helmet and smoking a cigarette.

“We’re very much the sort of company that puts the, ‘mini,’ into the term minimum wage. If staff had kept, ‘mum,’ about what really goes on here, we wouldn’t have HMRC trying to, ‘wage,’ a war with us via their ridiculous retail rogues gallery.  As a result of the toilet break allowance however, we will unfortunately have to dock a small portion of every employee’s wages to pay for all the extra loo roll we’re going to need,” Mrs. Forward added.


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