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Medieval Armour - The W1nners' Club

The Debenhams 2017 Spring/Summer range feels a little out of date


Debenhams will sever ties with some of its ageing fashion designers in an attempt to breathe new life into its outdated reputation.


Among the ranges to be excluded from the famous department store’s offerings will be powdered wigs by Betty Jackson (67), Blunderbuss Print baseball caps by Jeff Banks (73) and woolly mammoth fur coats by Jasper Conran (57).

Debenhams’ Chief Window Dresser Mr. Manny Quinn said, “Even though Debenhams has been clothing the high street since before God was still on breast milk, we recognise the time may have come to freshen up our image a little bit. We have therefore decided to part company with any of our designers that either no longer have at least 50% of their real teeth, regularly eat Werther’s Originals or can remember what they were doing on the day President Kennedy was shot.”

Debenhams are expected to bring in a whole host of younger designers to help freshen up the ranges it offers its customers after this year’s profit slide suggested medieval armour suits and chain mail may no longer be what the kids are wearing these days.

Debenhams has been eclipsed in recent years as Top Shop partnered up with Kate Moss and H&M with Stella McCartney – both of whom apparently know what earjacking and twerking mean, whilst the Debenhams design team still use words like, ‘Groovy,’ and, ‘Cosmic,’ to describe their latest creations.

“When half your design team thinks adult incontinence pants are, ‘futuristic,’ and the other half actually wear them, it’s time to bring your average age down a little bit,” said Mr Quinn before adding: “you should see our Instagram feed, it’s like a ‘where are they now?’ of the cast from Methuselah and friends.”

Debenhams are yet to confirm who will be brought in to replace its outgoing designers, but the discontinuation of the beauty department’s Antediluvian make up range suggests a move towards a younger target demographic.

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