Credit Suisse has deployed 20 robots within the bank to help improve the efficiency of its internal office politics.
The Swiss financier has introduced the new technology to help improve the speed at which toxic relationships develop between employees and it is hoped that staff whose faces don’t fit will be managed out of the company at a far faster rate than before as a result.
Credit Suisse’s Head of Robotic Staff Recruitment Mr. Hugh Manoid said, “Our new robots are able to kiss the boss’s ass by offering to buy tea from the canteen and bringing in homemade Chelsea buns far more efficiently than a human being could ever hope to. As a result, the bitching and sniping you would normally witness in the average office can be increased by several orders of magnitude as a result of the new technology.”
Alongside being a total creep and grassing up colleagues when the boss is away on holiday, Credit Suisse’s new robots also come equipped with a specially developed office romance algorithm that enables them to get off with co-workers at the Christmas party and then deny anything ever happened the next day nearly 500 times more efficiently than Sharon who works in Credit Control – which by all accounts is quite an achievement.
It is rumoured that if you tell any of the office bots your deepest secrets during a cigarette break, the entire company will know all your intimate details almost instantly due to its automatic connection to the company’s cloud server.
“Important client relationships will never be the same again as our new office robots will have already slagged you off to important customers before you even arrive at the company trade event you’re supposed to be attending. The only flaw in the technology’s programming is that it can’t help telling people who it’s buying a secret santa gift for before the Christmas party, but our I.T. department is looking at ways that this glitch can be ironed out,” Mr. Manoid added.