The government is considering adding an extra adjective to every day that shops are open in a bid to encourage consumer spending.
Despite not really knowing why Black Friday is called Black Friday, or indeed why Cyber Monday has the word, ‘cyber,’ in its name, consumers nevertheless can’t seem to resist brandishing their credit cards in the pursuit of a bargain over the last weekend of November.
The Department for Trade and Industry’s Head of Retail Affairs Mr. Slim Margin said, “At the moment we have Black Friday, Cyber Monday and there’s even talk of a, ‘Super Saturday,’ this year with the last shopping day before Christmas falling on Christmas Eve. Nobody really knows why consumers get overcome with the shopping equivalent of the hangover horn when there’s an extra adjective in the name, but if we roll the concept out across the whole week, we would expect to see a significant uplift in sales.”
Amongst the various adjective suggestions that have been put forward are: Profligate Tuesday, Splash Out Wednesday, Cough Up Thursday and Fritter Away Friday. Members of the public were also invited to make suggestions but this apparently yielded nothing more than the rather odd sounding, ‘No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee,’ and, ‘Shoppie McShopFace.’
The augmented naming of days is now so good for business that the day contained in the name of the discount day in question doesn’t even have to correspond to the actual day of the week it falls on anymore – Black Friday now being a reference to the Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
“It’s quite clear to the government what our post-brexit strategy for business needs to be. We don’t need to worry about being part of a single market, or import/export duties or any of that malarkey. No – all we need to do is give a decent name to a shopping day and the rest will take care of itself. I personally recommend we call the last trading day before My Wife’s birthday, ‘Colin Smith,’” Mr. Margin added.