Coca Cola remains convinced that by reducing the size of its bottles and increasing the price of the product, the amount of sugar contained in its famous recipe will somehow decrease as if by magic.
The changes will see a 1.75 litre bottle of Coke shrink down to 1.5 litres and the price will increase by 20p to £1.99, whilst the price of a 500ml bottle will also increase from £1.09 to £1.25 meaning you’ll still be able to clean your old coins with the stuff – you’ll just need to spend more of them when making a purchase.
Coca Cola’s Head of Sugar and Sweetness Mrs. Sacha Rinne said, “the best way to thwart the new sugar tax is to mess about with all the other dimensions and measurements associated with our soft drink and hope that no one notices that the amount of sugar contained in it remains exactly the same. We have therefore decided to alter the price, the bottle dimensions, our company phone number, the number of employees we have working at our head office and the average weight of a Coca Cola lorry driver.”
AG Barr, the manufacturers of Irn-Bru have taken the opposite decision and will next week start bottling a new version of the drink that will see everything about it remain the same such as the size of the bottle, the number of people’s hangovers it cures after a rowdy Saturday night out in Glasgow and how few people drink it south of the border in the hope that no one notices it contains significantly less sugar and is effectively no longer Irn Bru.
The sugar tax was designed to help combat obesity and dental problems in children by then chancellor George Osborne in 2016 and the net result of the changes Coca Cola is making to its formula will be lots more fat kids whose teeth won’t be around to see their 10th birthday.
“The last time we dabbled with the flavour of Coca Cola even Bill Cosby didn’t want to appear in our adverts anymore because he said the association with New Coke was ruining his reputation. Just think about that for a second. If Bill Cosby thinks his reputation is being damaged because you’ve changed the flavour of your soft drink then it must be a really, REALLY f*cking bad thing to do!” Mrs. Rinne added.