The Church of England has set up its own stock broking division after recent investment successes placed it in the top ranks of the world’s best performing financial players.
The Church has returned 9.6% a year for the past 30 years on average and cites divine intervention as the main reason for its exceptional win rate.
The Church of England’s Head of Stock Market Trading, Reverend Dow Jones said, “If you’re investing the good lord’s money, do you honestly believe our heavenly father is going to want to see poor returns on his capital? If we need to make a few quid by investing in agriculture, all we do is say a few prayers and boom! It’s a record harvest for the year. Similarly, if our Construction and Property stock needs a bit of a boost, all we do is ask for a natural disaster of some sort and ker-ching! we’re up and running again.”
The Church’s new stock broking division named Holy Trinity Capital, will initially target parishioners as its new client base because, let’s face it – if you don’t mind sticking a fiver in the collection tray every Sunday to pay for a new church hall roof when the lord could fix it himself by simply clicking his fingers, you probably won’t mind making a few quid in god’s name either.
The Church’s ethical investment policy “recommends against investment” in companies which make more than 3% of their income from pornography, 10% from military products or 25% from industries such as gambling, alcohol and high interest rate lenders – however given financial the targets that have been set by God for next year, investors may see stock options in Penthouse Magazine, Kalashnikov, Ladbrokes, Smirnoff and Wonga appearing in the portfolio.
“You wanna know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor at The Church of England. Fuck this shit that, cunt, cock, asshole. I couldn’t believe how these guys talked to each other when I first joined. I was hooked in seconds. It was like mainlining adrenaline,” Reverend Jones added.