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carling - The W1nners' Club

Carling – consumed by buddhist monks before they perform a blessing….


Carling admits that at 3.7%, its lager is probably the worst in the world for people that like to get drunk.


Carling has been brewed at 3.7% since 2012 which has led experts to accuse the company of causing a whole host of social problems such as a lack of Friday night town centre brawls, very few ugly people managing to get laid and a notable decrease in the number of sick days being taken by employees with hangovers.

Carling’s Head of Undrinkable Ditchwater Mr. Bart Ender said, “Beer that is brewed in the UK is subject to excise duty decided by its alcoholic strength – meaning stronger products pay higher rates of tax. A pint of Carling therefore has so little alcohol in it these days that in theory the taxman should be paying us to brew the bloody stuff. People don’t drink Carling to get pissed anymore, they use it to try and sober up!”

Carling is rumoured to contain so little alcohol that it is often used by churches to baptise infants instead of its less pure alternative – holy water. Whilst the alcohol percentage content of the drink is so low that it doesn’t need to be blessed by a clergyman to be used for the aforementioned activity, vampires and werewolves have been known to cower in fear at the sight of lager that has been served in a Carling pint glass.

Remote third world villages have requested that barrels of Carling be sent by UNICEF instead of new wells being dug – partly because it prevents anyone having to pretend they enjoy Lenny Henry hanging around and telling jokes during Comic Relief, but mainly because Carling is said to be better for you than fresh water from an aquifer.

“Strictly speaking, we’re probably breaking the law by marketing Carling as a lager. The ABV is so f*cking low that we’d struggle to sell it as a solution for use in surgical procedures,” Mr. Ender added.


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