British Airways is seeking to intensify its operations in the budget airline arms race by cramming enough passengers onto its planes to make them all resemble sardines in a tin.
The airline said there will be a “small increase” in the number of seats on its aircraft that will reduce the average leg room by 1 inch per seat to just 29 inches – the same as Easyjet, but one inch less than Ryanair.
British Airways’ Head of Passenger Discomfort Mr. Saul Lymns said, “When we saw how much money Ryanair made last year we suddenly realised we were being far too nice to our customers. It’s a bit like when you’re horrible to a girl in the playground at infant school but secretly you fancy her, that’s the approach we’re going to take going forward. We’re even thinking of changing our slogan to, ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen,’ as a way of demonstrating our commitment to offering value and comfort in all areas.
Earlier this year BA eliminated its complimentary food and drink service and now charges economy passengers for water – a move the airline hopes will help it gain much needed market share at the expense of more experienced players at the budget end of the market.
Airbus planes operated by Easyjet already contain a whopping 180 seats, but that number will soon rise if passengers can be persuaded to spend their entire journey wedged into the overhead luggage compartment, whilst Ryanair will attempt to squeeze another eight seats onto its planes by getting rid of the toilets and the cockpit.
“If being a budget airline means treating your customers like cattle on their way to the slaughterhouse, then we really could be doing so much more in this area. Ryanair have been very successful at creating misery at 30,000 feet for years and we in turn will also use low costs as a justification for the widespread dissemination of deep vein thrombosis. Forget the life jackets and forget the sick bags – BA is now the only true budget airline, hence the reason why we have the initials BA,” Mr. Lymns added.