British Airways has confirmed that its staff will be kneed in the groin if any of them are found to still be a Virgin.
The boss of the UK’s national airline made a public wager against his old nemesis Sir Richard Branson, pledging that whoever won the bet would get to knee the other in the balls, but ever since Mr. Walsh lost he has become convinced that it may be the result of an inside job.
British Airways’ Head of Chinese Burns, Wedgies and Testicular Kneeing Mr. Kid Justice said, “The original bet was always about whether the Virgin Atlantic brand would be still be around in five years and against all logic and reasoning – it still f*cking is! We’ve tried absolutely everything to get rid of that godforsaken airline. We’ve tried hacking into their computers, impersonating their staff – you name it, but we think they may have placed a corporate spy inside our company in revenge so Mr. Walsh wants anybody that has anything to do with Virgin to be kneed in the knackers instead of him.”
A source at British Airways who we cannot name as that would reveal who the corporate spy is, told The W1nners’ Club that any BA staff member that has ever flown with Virgin, used Virgin trains or is indeed still a Virgin, faces being kneed in the testicles by Mr. Walsh himself in revenge for losing his bet with Mr. Branson.
It is thought that one of the main ways Mr. Walsh plans to assess a staff member’s sexual experience is by showing them a Kelly Brook calendar and then timing how long it takes before they break out into a nervous sweat and start panting heavily.
“Mr. Walsh is convinced that there may be Virgins working at our company. It’s unlikely to be any of the flight attendants because everybody knows what they get up to, but he is adamant that we should keep a very close eye on the I.T. department because they have historically always struggled to get laid,” Mr. Justice added.