British Airways has confirmed it will improve its catering service on long haul flights by providing passengers with a second helping of gruel.
The UK’s national carrier faced a barrage of criticism after introducing cost-saving measures to reduce the catering in economy on longer flights, leaving passengers to draw straws as to who should ask the stewardesses for an extra portion of the thin, liquid oatmeal.
British Airways’ Head of In-Flight Hunger Mr. Mal Nutrition said, “We will upgrade catering so that passengers on longer flights have a full second meal. In return for such generosity, we expect our customers to work by picking and weaving oakum for the duration of their journey. Anybody that is ungrateful enough to ask for more after the new menu is introduced will be sent to work as an undertaker’s apprentice as soon as we reach our destination.”
The traditional long haul BA flight between London and the US west coast begins at 6am and inmates are expected to perform menial tasks such as breaking stones, removing the hemp from telegraph wires or crushing bones to make fertiliser in return for their sustenance – a situation that has led to the outbreak of violence between some starving passengers who are often reduced to fighting over the rotting bones they are supposed to be grinding just so they are able suck out the marrow.
British Airways has pledged to transport some of its more malnourished passengers to the former British colonies such as Canada and Australia, where it is hoped the fruits of their labour will contribute to the defence of the realm by enabling the former colonies to purchase more British exports after the inevitable failure of Brexit negotiations.
“Our customers should thank their lucky stars that we’re investing so much by giving them an extra serving of gruel. Alitalia is so cash-strapped these days that passengers have to harvest their own grain,” Mr. Nutrition added.