The UK government has pledged to keep the Bayeux Tapestry until France agrees to return the ownership of the port of Calais back to Britain.
French President Emmanuel Macron offered to loan the 950 year old textile weave and UK Prime Minister Theresa May has stated that the only way it will be returned is if Calais is surrendered, alongside a heartfelt admission that medium rare steak should be slightly pink in the middle and not standing upright in a field happily chewing grass with its tail swinging from side-to-side.
UK Government Brexit spokesman Mr. Nat Analism said, “Theresa May is well known as a fearsome negotiator, but even she was more than a bit surprised when Mr. Macron handed over the Bayeux Tapestry before membership of the single market had even been mentioned. It’s a bit like the time Peter Ridsdale tried to buy Seth Johnson when he was the Chairman at Leeds United Football Club and offered a £35,000 a week starting salary at the beginning of the negotiation whilst Mr. Johnson’s agent was hoping to get £15,000 a month maximum.”
Calais was ruled by the English from 1347 until it was forfeited to French hands in 1558 and it is thought that any agreement on a soft border with Northern Ireland and the Republic will depend on whether the UK border with France is pushed as far south as Le Havre.
MI5 has reportedly been scouring art and craft evening classes up and down the country in a bid to recruit undercover needle workers for the purpose of creating an alternative Bayeux tapestry that will feature the £350 million Brexit bus, Bob Geldof and Nigel Farage recreating the Battle of Trafalgar on the River Thames and whatever it was that Boris Johnson got up to during the referendum campaign – this will then be given to the French instead of the original in the event of a failure of the negotiations.
“Mr. Macron initially asked for the master tapes for Je T’aime Moi Non Plus by Serge Gainsbourg which is apparently kept in a recording studio somewhere in West London in return for the Bayeux Tapestry, but unless he surrenders Calais as well it’s unlikely that he’ll even get hold of Jane Birkin’s vocal parts,” Mr. Analism added.