Boots has said that allowing women to buy cheap contraceptives encourages devil worship and the enjoyment of rap music.
The pharmaceutical company claims that any reduction in the cost of one of its morning after pill brands will simply encourage women to start regularly engaging in sexual intercourse whilst listening to DMX in preparation for the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Boots’ Head of Puritanical Finger-Wagging Mr. Mo Rality said, “If we reduce the cost of the morning after pill by even a few pence, women will completely lose their minds and will more than likely start wandering the streets looking for someone to have sex with. It is therefore imperative that we do all we can to avoid this nightmare scenario by ensuring that we continue to charge up to five times more for the morning after pill than they do in the rest of Europe – where incidentally hordes of females can regularly be found roaming the streets looking for innocent men to exploit for their bodies – particularly in Kavos.”
The progestogen-based drug Levonelle costs £28.25 in Boots and the company argues that even a 1% price discount would precipitate the downfall of civilization as we know it by triggering the onset of Armageddon and the second coming of Gozer the Gozerian.
The company says that women responsibly preventing unwanted pregnancies could be considered “inappropriate” and would be an incredibly irresponsible thing to do in the eyes of the sort of people that think homosexuality is a sin and the Earth is flat.
“We’re heading for a disaster of biblical proportions. Real wrath-of-God type stuff! Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! All because we dropped the price of the morning after pill by 20p. Not on my watch!” Mr. Rality added.