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bank robbers - The W1nners' Club

Bank Robbers – may have to, ‘branch out,’ because there aren’t enough bank branches to rob these days


Bank robbers have expressed outrage at the announcement of Lloyds’ new branch format as the bank announces plans to board up the old counter sections at hundreds of locations.


The new “micro branches” will be staffed by just two people, who will help customers to use machines and are the result of “a profound change in customer behaviour”, which has seen more transactions move online.

Serial Bank Robber and all round nasty bloke Mr. Robin Branches said, “the business of robbing banks has been disrupted by the internet in recent times like most other industries that used to do a healthy trade on almost every high street. Whilst I understand that Lloyds have to move with the times, they shouldn’t be allowed to simply turn their backs on other industries that rely on a good branch network to stay in business.”

The micro format will use as little as 1,000 square feet of space and there will be no counters in the new branches. Instead the staff will be mobile, and will carry tablet computers to help customers.

Leading members of the bank robbing community have written to the Department of Trade and Industry and requested an independent review of the micro branch format citing the fact that a decent stick-up can only take place in city centre branches which are usually only a few minutes from the nearest police station – very bad for business if you’re trying to terrorise innocent members of the public.

“These new micro branches aren’t big enough to swing a cat around in, let alone a sawn-off shotgun. Add that to the fact that they don’t actually contain any money that can be handed over at the counter and the micro branch is the bank robbery equivalent of having to play in the Europa League. The only thing worth stealing are the tablets the staff use but if we wanted to steal computers for a living we’d retrain and start burgling Curry’s. The government really needs to take a close look at this as Lloyds are still part state owned and therefore have a responsibility to protect one of our oldest professions,” Mr. Branches added.


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