The Bank of England has decided to stick to issuing plastic banknotes despite complaints from vegans and religious groups because it says they are much tastier than the vegetarian alternative.
The central bank concluded after “careful and serious consideration and extensive public consultation” that yes, whilst killing animals just so humans have something ideal for rolling into a tube and snorting cocaine through is morally questionable, there’s nothing quite like sitting down in front of the telly with a large plate of £25 in fivers, egg and chips to watch Celebrity Love Island.
The Bank of England’s Head of Cash Issuing Services Mr. Chip Anpin said, “In an ideal world we’d like to keep everybody happy and not use the animal derivative tallow in our fivers, but the harsh reality is that Quorn and Tofu just don’t taste as nice. We’ve tried other alternatives such as Tempeh, Seitan, Eggplant and Jackfruit, but the pound is weak enough at the moment without asking everybody to hand over a jar of f*cking lentils in return for goods and services. The Germans would never do business with us again!”
Vegetarian groups have suggested that Mushrooms are a viable alternative to meat based products, particularly the Cremini or Portobello varieties, but the Bank of England has stated categorically that they will not do as legal tender and people should try to refrain from talking Shitake if at all possible.
It emerged during the Bank’s research that animal fat is also used in debit and credit cards, mobile phones, carrier bags, cosmetics, soap, household detergent bottles and car parts – which means that if Brexit negotiations really do go belly up, the UK has a ready supply of food on hand to keep the nation fed for a considerable period going forward.
“We haven’t taken this decision lightly. Bank of England Governor Mark Carney even dipped one of the new fivers in a Chicken Curry at Borough Market the other day to see what it tasted like and it was lovely. He did the same thing with a slice of nutloaf and couldn’t stop farting for the next four hours,” Mr. Anpin added.