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Ashley Madison: ‘Sorry I don’t know anyone called Ashley,’ is the response they usually get from victims of the data breach…..


Infidelity website Ashley Madison is unable to pay compensation to victims of its recent hacking scandal because the vast majority of them fear getting found out by their partners.


Millions of members had their personal details stolen when the site’s data was breached and despite offering out $11 million in compensation, most users continue to deny ever having joined after being contacted.

Ashley Madison’s Head of Hanky Panky Mr. Hugh G. Cock said, “It’s been a bloody nightmare trying to compensate the victims of our June 2015 data breach. When we ring people up, the call usually goes something like this:

‘Hello sir, are you Roger Smith from Number 25, Cherry Tree Lane?’


‘Is your date of birth 07/11/69?’


‘Did you sign up to the Ashley Madison website on 23rd July 2013 and state that you enjoy being spanked on the bottom whilst having your nipples tweaked?………………Mr. Smith – are you still there?’

Either we have incorrect information for everybody that ever signed up to the website, thus rendering a data breach completely benign, or people don’t seem to want to speak to us for some reason.”

Ashley Madison was a dating website for people who already had a partner but were looking to have an affair and there are fears that the 11 million dollars that has been put aside for compensation may never be claimed if people refuse to admit that they ever signed up.

Details of 33 million accounts were posted online that included personal information such as names, addresses, birth dates and sexual interests, which means that unless someone with the same name as you that was also born on the same day lives at your address – people can easily find out that you’re into rubber via a quick Google search.

“Most companies employ teams of expensive lawyers to help them avoid paying out compensation but we can’t seem to get anyone to receive a penny from us. It’s getting so bad that we might have to print everyone’s names out on an advert in a national newspaper asking them to contact us in the strictest confidence,” Mr Cock added.


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