Royal Bank of Scotland announced its ninth consecutive year of multi-billion pound losses which means the only thing in the universe that has been associated with the colour red for a longer period of time is Arsene Wenger.
The state owned bank managed to rack up losses of £2.5 billion in the first nine months of 2016 alone – something Wenger would never do due to his frugal approach when it comes to purchasing new players.
RBS’ Chief Financial Officer and lifelong Arsenal fan Mrs. Fi Nancy-Hall said, “It’s been nine years since we last recorded a decent set of results so like Mr. Wenger, we know how important it is to keep balancing the books despite constantly delivering poor performances. As a devoted Arsenal fan I think it’s time for Mr. Wenger to consider leaving the club, but as a banking aficionado he might be just what we are looking for – with him at the helm we won’t come top of the banking league tables, but it’ll do wonders for our balance sheet.”
RBS has been desperately trying to turn its business around and the lender is yet to find a buyer for its Williams & Glyn offshoot and accompanying 300-plus branch network – again, something Arsene Wenger would achieve with minimum fuss having repeatedly found buyers for Arsenal’s best players in the past.
Wenger’s future has been the source of much speculation over the past few weeks, as frustration among a section of the club’s support has continued to grow. It is rumoured the disquiet has alerted the board at RBS who are looking for someone to take the helm that has a proven track record when it comes to delivering cast iron financial results despite the universal dismay of customers.
“We’re very much feeling the pressure of meeting our end of 2017 deadline for ditching the Williams & Glynn network to comply with the terms of our 2008 £45bn state bailout deal, but if we manage to get Wenger to join us, I’m pretty sure Manchester City will put a bid in straight away,” Mrs. Nancy-Hall added.