Apple has acknowledged connectivity issues with its latest smartwatch by issuing a statement confirming that it ‘doesn’t f*cking work.’
Apple says that the watch’s problem connecting to cellular networks occurs because the type of Apples used to make them are in need of a software update so that they are able to connect to the internet.
Apple’s Chief Orchard Grower Mrs. Golda Delicious said, “It has become quite clear that we may not have used the right sort of Apples to build our latest smartwatch. Whilst our Granny Smith version tends to be crunchy and tart in flavour, and the Braeburn tends to be crisp and tangy, neither of these varieties are able to connect to the internet which is of course the main reason why anybody would want to buy the latest Apple watch. It’s quite clear that we’re going to have to develop a software upgrade of some kind because the latest version of our smartwatch is (a) not very smart, and (b) isn’t even a f*cking watch.”
Apple issued its statement after reviewers from The Wall Street Journal encountered problems trying to make calls, connecting with the Siri virtual assistant and maintaining a cellular network connection – mainly because the watch had started to turn brown before it was able to execute any of the above functions.
One of the watch’s main problems is rumoured to be with its core memory, and Apple’s engineers have urged users not to attempt to make calls unless they notice the pips before dialling.
“If we’re not able to sort the problem out, we may have to remarket our latest product as just a watch – as in, all you’ll be able to do is watch it all day before it goes mouldy. The only other alternative would be to execute a mass product recall and the returned units will have to be pulped,” said an Apple in cider.