Aldi claims that by raising the pay of staff to £8.53 per hour, employees are now far too wealthy to be seen shopping in Lidl ever again.
Staff at the discount store will enjoy their new affluence as of February, when the rate for those employed at the company’s London stores will also rise to £9.75.
Aldi’s Head of Staff Remuneration Mr. Tiny Wallett said, “Whatever you’ve heard recently about Lidl paying staff well is nothing more than out of date Smoked Mackerel Fillets – it should be discounted at the first opportunity like everything else around here. They may have broken the bank by offering staff £8.45 an hour back in November, but our lot get a whopping £8.53 – yes that’s right, 8p more! We’ve had to have our staff car parks converted to accommodate all the new Bugatti Veyrons they’ll be driving.”
Aldi claim their latest wage increase, ‘reaffirms its position as the highest paying supermarket chain in the country,’ which, despite being a bit like a man of average height showing off about how tall he is at a dwarf convention, the company says it is in recognition of the valuable contribution that store employees make every day.
“The extra 8p means our staff will no longer know what it feels like to be skint the week before pay day. That 8p is enough to buy roughly a capful of Speyside Single Malt Whisky, a fingertip-worth of Lacura Day/Night Cream and possibly even two sprays of multi-surface furniture polish – all bought from Aldi or course. If that isn’t pushing the boat out then I really don’t know what is,” said Mr Wallett.
Aldi is about to embark on a recruitment drive for 4000 new staff as it seeks to expand and the food retailer claims that after the latest pay increase, staff can now expect to earn more than unemployed people, prison inmates and new born babies.