Troubled lingerie brand Agent Provocateur has offered to pay off its £30m debt in unsold sexy underwear stock after a period of trading that can only really be referred to as, well – pants really.
It is rumoured the retailer’s bank has been approached with a proposal that will see senior staff at Barclays each receive a gunmetal and pearl Lulu belt, a silver and rose gold Adora playsuit and a whip and paddle set made from the finest black leather.
Agent Provocateur’s Head of Naughty Rendezvous wear Mr. Gary Girdle said, “Last year’s accounting debacle means our finances have been stripped to reveal a rather crotchless performance of late. The best way for us to strengthen the gusset of the business would be to give some air padding to our cashflow and see if the creditors will let us use remnant inventory as a garter to hold everything up for a brief period.”
Barclays are said to be considering the deal, although some at the bank have expressed disgust at the prospect of receiving stockings in lieu of a cash payment and have asked if there is any edible underwear available instead.
Agent Provocateur was hit by an accounting scandal in 2016 when it was claimed the retailer had overstated its profits by suggesting they had sold over 100,000 nipple pasties and eyemasks – when everyone knows for a fact these are only ever worn by people that have affairs, sex workers and members of the clergy that end up having affairs with sex workers.
Agent Provocateur was founded by Joe Corre, the son of designer Vivienne Westwood and his then wife Serena Rees who sold the brand to 3i for £60m in 2007 – or, roughly the price of a pink and black Amelea Camisole with silk pyjama bottoms.