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Tree Surgeon - The W1nners' Club

 

Doctor’s name: Dr. Bryan Kaplinsky                     Date 02/02/2017

Address: Bellfield Hill Surgery, Bellfield Hill, Blackmore, Somerset

PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER IF THERE IS LIKELY TO BE ANY DELAY IN REPLYING

Re: Length of absence

Name: Thomas Simpleton

To administer Statutory Sick Pay, and the Company’s sick pay scheme, and to plan the work in the department, it would be helpful to have a report on your patient, who works for our organisation.

His/her* work as a Trainee Tree Surgeon has the following major features:

Management responsibility for assisting the Head Tree Surgeon with manual duties as well as not using the chainsaws as an auto-castration device

Seated/standing/mobile  – Although he’ll no doubt not be sitting down for a while given the circumstances

Light/medium/heavy effort required *

Day/shift/night work *

Clerical/secretarial duties *

Group I (private)/Group II (professional) driver *

Other:

Thomas was shown on no less than 5 five occasions how to correctly start up a chainsaw and whilst we appreciate this is only his first week on the job, one would hope that personal survival instincts would have made our training sink in a bit better. As it happens Thomas has proven less responsive to following instructions than we would have hoped, hence the reason why it wasn’t the tree but his own private parts that ultimately got felled during his first day out on site. (See picture attached).

The absence record for the past year is summarised as:

Total days lost: 40

This month: 20

Previous months: 20

What is the likely date of return to work? (We understand we may not see him for some time doctor) __/__/____

Will there be any disability at that time – apart from Thomas now speaking in a high voice and what appears to be early breast growth? ……………………….

How long is it likely to last (we understand that re-attaching a person’s genitalia is a significantly more complex procedure than removing them with an incorrectly positioned chainsaw)? ……………………….

Are there any reasonable adjustments we could make to accommodate the disability (like putting Thomas on office duties in future so he can’t do any further damage to himself, or anyone else on the team for that matter)? ……………………….

Is there any underlying medical reason for this attendance record apart from the fact that he’s the only person in our company that has ever seen his own testicles being placed into a Tupperware box? ……………………….

Is he/she* likely to be able to render regular and efficient service in the future or will he burst into tears every time he hears a motorbike rev its engine loudly in close vicinity? ……………………….

Is there any specific recommendation you wish to make about him/her * which would help in finding him/her * an alternative job, if that is necessary, and if there is an opportunity for redeployment (for instance no climbing ladders, no driving or no starting up engines if the machine in question doesn’t have conventional seating attached to it)? ……………………….

I would be grateful for an early reply and enclose a stamped addressed envelope. Please attach your account to the report (following the BMA guidance on fees).

Yours sincerely

 

Signed

signature 1 - The W1nners' Club

Andrew Sykes

Role in the company: Head Tree Surgeon and soon-to-be-retired health and safety monitor

 

* Please amend/delete where necessary

 

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