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Punt gun - The W1nners' Club

Doctor’s name: Dr Jeremiah Josephs                   Date: 30/11/1851

Address: 26 Harley Street, London

Postcode: W1G 0EB


Re: Suspected Deafness

Name: Winston Chomeley-Warner

Address: 65 Baker Street, London

To administer Statutory Sick Pay, and the Company’s sick pay scheme, and to plan the work in the department, it would be helpful to have a report on your patient, who works for our organisation.

His/her* work as a Punt Gun Assistant has the following major features:

Management responsibility for keeping half a kilo of bird shot going in the right direction despite the insane amount of recoil when the Punt Gun is fired

Seated/standing/mobile  (for obvious reasons. If you want to run around all day you should maybe try working with less high calibre firearms)

Light/medium/heavy effort required * (Just hoisting the bloody thing onto your shoulder is the major challenge)

Day/shift/night work *

Clerical/secretarial duties *


Winston Chomeley-Warner has only just started with us here at the Sylvester & Son Punt Gun Firing Range. Unfortunately, due to a health and safety oversight and our company culture of playing practical jokes on new starters, Mr. Chomeley-Warner was encouraged by a colleague to hold the gun’s barrel without any ear protection (see picture above). The ensuing blast not only resulted in Mr. Chomeley-Warner getting covered from head to foot in gunpowder residue, but he also lost his hearing for the best part of a week.

The absence record for the past year is summarised as:

Total days lost: 5

This month: 5

Previous months: N/A

What is the likely date of return to work as strictly speaking we just need him to be able to brace himself properly when the gun is fired, therefore somebody could in theory stand next to him and warn him the gun is about to go off in future rather than his colleague firing it without warning in the mistaken belief that sort of behaviour is (a) clever and (b) funny ? __/__/____

Will there be any disability at that time – if he can stand up straight, that’s good enough for us? ……………………….

How long is it likely to last (be kind please Doctor)? ……………………….

Are there any reasonable adjustments we could make to accommodate the disability like firing the idiot who stitched him up? ……………………….

Is there any underlying medical reason for this attendance record (what we mean is – does he still stare blankly into the distance while people openly tease him about what happened, safe in the knowledge that he can’t hear a bloody thing)? ……………………….

Is he/she* likely to be able to render regular and efficient service in the future (perhaps we could put him at the trigger end next time)? ……………………….

Is there any specific recommendation you wish to make about him/her * which would help in finding him/her * an alternative job, if that is necessary, and if there is an opportunity for redeployment (for instance no climbing ladders, no driving, no loud bangs over 40 decibels)? ……………………….

I would be grateful for an early reply and enclose a stamped addressed envelope. Please attach your account to the report (following the BMA guidance on fees).

Yours sincerely


Signed signature 1 - The W1nners' Club

Name: Mr. Eunice Wrigley

Role in the company: General Manager


* Please amend/delete where necessary


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