Police Dog Traaining - The W1nners' Club

 

DEAR DOCTOR, PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER IF THERE IS LIKELY TO BE ANY DELAY IN REPLYING

Re: Prolonged Sick Leave

Name: PC Dave Smith

Address: 35 Cherry Tree Lane, Barking, Essex

Dear Sir/Madam,

To administer Statutory Sick Pay and the organisation’s sick pay scheme as well as planning the work schedule in the department, it would be helpful to have a report on your patient, who works for our organisation.

His work as a Police Dog Trainer has the following major features:

Management responsibility for impersonating villainous scumbags and making sure that whatever happens the large grill that protects his head doesn’t come off.

Seated/Standing/Mobile (Depending on the size of the dog)

Light/Medium/Heavy effort required

Day/Shift/Night work

Clerical/Secretarial duties

Group I (Private)/Group II (Professional) Driver

Other:

Mr. Smith had an unfortunate initial interaction with Fido, our newest recruit to the police dog training programme (see picture above). Whilst we always try to ingratiate the animals with our trainers beforehand, Fido showed an early disdain for Mr. Smith when he picked up his favourite squeaky toy and refused to give it back without a bit of a friendly man/dog tussle. We are of the opinion that Fido may have taken such an engagement to heart and German Shepherds being as intelligent as they are – waited until the practical session before making the point to Mr. Smith about how important the squeaky toy is to him.

The absence record for the past year is sumarised as:

Total days lost: 35

This month: 20

Previous months: 15

What is the likely date of return to work as no one else will go near Fido after seeing what he did to Mr. Smith? __/__/____

Will there be any long term disability that will prevent him from standing unaided with a 12 pound protective suit on as an angry Alsatian delivers its unique line in canine justice? ……………………….

How long are the injuries likely to last? (be honest – we can take it) ……………………….

Are there any reasonable adjustments we could make to accommodate the disability like feeding Fido properly before his next training session with Mr. Smith? ……………………….

Is there any underlying medical reason for this attendance record other than the fact that Mr. Smith was almost eaten alive? ……………………….

Is Mr Smith likely to be able to render regular and efficient service in the future ie. not shit his pants when walking past a Chihuahua getting carried around in someone’s handbag ? ……………………….

Is there any specific recommendation you wish to make about Mr. Smith which would help in finding him an alternative job, if that is necessary, and if there is an opportunity for redeployment (for instance to traffic duty)? ……………………….

I would be grateful for an early reply and enclose a stamped addressed envelope. Please attach your account to the report (following the BMA guidance on fees).

Yours sincerely

Signature - The W1nners' club

Signed: Chief Inspector Bob Smith

Role in the organisation: Overall big Cheese and usually the good cop during the interrogation of Islamic Fundamentalists

 

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