Workplace drug testing has proliferated in recent years. The companies that tend to force staff to take them usually have a health and safety reason that relates to the goods and services they supply – for example, it’s no good having a gas man that’s high on LSD coming round trying to fix your boiler etc.
What is interesting however, is the way drug tests are often used as a convenient way to get rid of unwanted staff that would otherwise be safe in terms of employment law. If your business is going bankrupt for example, what better way is there to lower the wage bill without having to pay out any redundancy money, than by proving a staff member is as high as a kite whilst lunching with important customers?
If you are a regular drug user and fear you may be about to fall foul of a workplace sting operation, here are some points to consider that may help you to weasel your way out of getting caught:
1. Check the employee handbook
Everyone knows employee handbooks are a bit like the T&Cs on ecommerce websites – If you were to read it thoroughly from beginning to end you’d be retired before you actually finished. However, you should always check the small print of your employee handbook (especially if you’re a bit of a cokehead) because if it doesn’t discuss workplace drug testing of any kind, the company might not be allowed to force you to take one.
Even though you could be sacked for refusing, your employer can’t force you to take a drug test or covertly test you (although how somebody could attach a catheter onto another individual without the person in question noticing is anyone’s guess). Your employer needs your informed consent before they perform a drug test. They have to explain the purpose of the test and wait for you to agree to be tested before taking a sample – so if you have been overdoing it a bit recently and depending on how determined your boss is to stitch you up, you could in theory just wait until the drugs have passed out of your system before giving an answer either way (unless you’ve been using cannabis which can stay in your system for up to 3 weeks).
3. Random Selection
Your employer can’t select you for a random drug test unless it is genuinely random. If you are singled out for a test without a valid reason, you could have a claim for unfair dismissal (the proceeds of which will no doubt be used to pay for more drugs).
Any workplace drug test must be carried out by a person of the same sex so depending on which side your bread is buttered, office drug tests can either be a major drag or a better buzz than the actual drugs you’ve been taking.
5. Refusing a test
Remember, you are not Rio Ferdinand – unless of course you are Rio Ferdinand, in which case you’ll know what the repercussions are for not taking a drug test when you’re supposed to. If however, you have not been blessed with the initials R.F. refusal of the drug test could mean that you face dismissal.
6. Drug test fail
Basically, and we tend to refrain from swearing here at The W1nners’ Club – if you fail a workplace drug test, you’re what’s technically known in office speak as being, ‘f*cked!’ Not only is your employer excused from having to give you notice, they also don’t have to pay you off a single penny. The best hope you have in this scenario is if your employer supplied you said drugs in the first place – then you could potentially use blackmail as a way to keep your job.
7. Equality act 2010
Nice Try! Unfortunately, the drugs you will have taken are not related to an underlying medical condition which would enable you to claim for unfair dismissal if you were dismissed for taking them.
8. Passing the actual test
Here’s how you do it:
- Find a small child that you know doesn’t have a drug problem and persuade him or her to wee in a cup (it helps if you have a younger sibling that once broke a priceless family heirloom but managed to get away with it by blaming everything on the dog).
- Transfer the kiddie wee into a condom.
- Freeze the condom containing the kiddie wee.
- Insert the frozen condom into your bottom on the morning of the drug test making sure you have a catheter and tubing attached to it.
- When asked to provide the sample, simply deliver the now-thawed kiddie wee via the catheter tube that should be taped to your groin – it should now be at your own body temperature and you can pass it off as your own.