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All nighter - The W1nners' Club

 

You’re waiting for a member of your team to get in before you can start the morning meeting. It’s 08:59am and your line manager is already smacking his lips in anticipation of being bought a cup of tea by way of an apology from your late colleague.

The individual in question, through a record breaking feat of sprinting and dodging fellow commuters in the street, has miraculously managed to make it to his desk before the clock strikes 9am. He is not therefore technically late as far as office rules go.

He does however look like a stunt double from a documentary about vagrancy in the inner cities.

Members of the jury, we put it to you that your colleague has been out all night and here’s how we can prove it:

They smell like a badly run brewery

Crikey! No one light a match because your colleague has just exhaled! I don’t know what he or she drank last night but whatever the substance was may go some way to help solve humanity’s energy problems for the foreseeable future. Your colleague is constantly surrounded by an aroma that’s akin to a high grade blend of fermented hops and kerosene – it would be fair to say they probably had their last drink about an hour ago.

Their shirt looks like it was borrowed from a Sumo Wrestler

To say the shirt they’re wearing doesn’t quite fit is a bit like saying the Atlantic Ocean is a tad moist. Your colleague looks like they’re wearing a parachute whilst trying to pass it off as a poncho. Assuming your workmate is a person of sound mind, no one would intentionally buy an item of clothing that’s so oversized unless they were planning on becoming the rear end of a pantomime horse. The shirt in question therefore cannot belong to your colleague and must have been borrowed from someone else – possibly the BFG given the snugness of fit. This therefore confirms that your colleague hasn’t been home yet.

His stubble is more like rubble

Your colleague’s lower facial area looks like it has just been pebble dashed and there’s only one reason why usually clean-shaven blokes turn up to work looking like ZZ Top in the morning. It’s because he hasn’t been near a razor for at least 24 hours. Why? Because the razors in question are kept in his bathroom cupboard at home.

Bloodshot eyes

The redness of your colleague’s retinas make him resemble the Tony Blair, ‘devil eyes,’ poster from the 1997 general election campaign and this startling luminosity only slightly exceeds the size of his pupils this morning. The way they dart around the room like rubber clay pigeons being flung about a squash court suggests a profound lack of sleep at best.

The maw of his jaw

Your colleague’s jaw is set at an uncomfortable angle making him look like someone in the crowd at a football match whose team has just scored and someone has pressed pause on the video playback just as the ball enters the net. There’s only two types of people that wear facial expressions like that for a consistent period – people that have been out raving all night and football commentator Jimmy Hill (RIP). Do the maths.

 

Verdict:

Guilty as charged, expect your colleague to be at the pub at lunchtime indulging in some serious, ‘hair of the dog.’ Maybe you should join them to find out what they got up to last night?

 

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