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pearly kings and queens - The W1nners' Club


Everybody knows there are no jobs up north. Britain’s once all-powerful manufacturing industries that coughed out smog onto blackened buildings are a thing of the past. True, places like Manchester and Leeds are doing okay, but the real cash is still to be made by putting your handkerchief on a stick and venturing down to that there London.

If you are looking to relocate to the capital, you’ll need more than your passport to make it in the rat race. If you can get a firm grip of the local lingo, you’ll feel at home in any job bar the fact that your office will be full of Cockneys and people from other countries.

We have therefore put together The W1nners’ Club Office Cockney Rhyming Slang Dictionary to help you fit in with the local population as you attempt to assimilate. Maybe you could have a few Britney Spears to celebrate when you can recite this list from back to front?

Good Luck!



English Cockney Use in the business world
All nighter Jet Fighter You look a right state – did you have a jet fighter last night?
Apple Sistine Chapel I generally use Windows – I haven’t got experience with Sistine Chapel systems
Arse Blade of Grass The Director’s PA has got a gorgeous blade of grass
Arsehole Online troll He’s alright – but he can be a bit of an online troll at times
B.O. Riddick Bowe You can tell he’s been to the gym because he smells of Riddick Bowe
Bank Taxi Rank Please transfer the outstanding amount via BACS to our Taxi Rank account
Bar Ringo Starr Fill yer boots – the boss has put his card behind the Ringo Starr
Barmy Dad’s Army Get on the phones or the boss will go Dad’s Army
Beers Britney Spears Fancy a couple of Britney Spears at lunch?
Beverage Dame Edna Everidge The best client lunches involve a Dame Edna Everidge of some sort
Bevvies Don Revvies Are joining us for some Don Revvies later?
Bill Muswell Hill Please – let me get the Muswell Hill
Bitchy Lionel Ritchie She okay to work with – but she can be a bit Lionel Ritchie
Blotto Santa’s Grotto I can’t wait ’till 5:30 – because I feel like getting Santa’s Grotto
Blower Lawn Mower We’ll never hit our budgets if we don’t all get on the lawn mower
Bollocks Jackson Pollocks He’s good to have on the team, but he doesn’t half talk a load of Jackson Pollocks
Book Fish Hook Would you like to fish hook a cab for the meeting?
Booze Tom Cruise I’m staying away from Tom Cruise in January
Boozer Perpetual loser He spends all his time after work in the perpetual loser
Boss Pitch and Toss Don’t tell me about it – tell the pitch and toss!
Brandy Mahatma Ghandi I bought him a bottle of Mahatma Ghandi for Christmas
Broker Engine Stoker We sometimes purchase from clients directly but we also use an engine stoker
Cab Chemistry lab I can’t be bothered with the tube – lets get a chemistry lab
Cancel Nigel Mansell I’ve got an appraisal this afternoon – unfortunately I’ll have to Nigel Mansell our meeting
Car Andrew Marr I never thought I’d pay so much tax on my Andrew Marr – bloody company benefits
Car Keys Fergal Sharkeys Oh shit! I left my Fergal Sharkeys at the strip club
Chair Lionel Blair The boss isn’t in today – why don’t we have a medieval jousting competition and use our Lionel Blairs as horses and rulers instead of lances
Charlie Bob Marley I’ve only ever done Bob Marley in the toilets on four occasions
Chat Top Hat My office door is always open for a top hat
Cheap Meryl Streep We have a robust pricing strategy and I warn you it won’t be Meryl Streep
Cheek Once a week Of course you need to do a report – now stop giving me any more once a week
Cheque Ant and Dec Has the client’s Ant and Dec cleared yet?
Child Molester Charlie Chester You look a right Charlie Chester in those new designer glasses
Choice Max Boyce You’ll have to contribute more to the team or find another job – your Max Boyce
Cider Knight Rider I’m all right on a night out as long as I don’t drink Knight Rider
Circle Angela Merkel We need a clear strategy or we’ll end up going around in Angela Merkels
Clown Gordon Brown He has an overbearing need to be the office Gordon Brown
Coat Billy Goat No wonder you’re cold – you ain’t even wearing a Billy Goat like the rest of us
Cock Blackpool Rock Sharon from accounts says he has a massive Blackpool Rock
Coffee Everton Toffee I always have a cupful of Everton toffee first thing
Computer Car and Scooter I accidentally downloaded some porn onto my work car and scooter
 Cow Chairman Mao Our new boss is nice, but sometimes she can be a real Chairman Mao
Crap Watford Gap The sales figures for this quarter are Watford Gap
Crash Sausage and Mash Looks like there could be a stock market sausage and mash
Crazy Patrick Swayze I think my boss is a bit Patrick Swayze to be honest with you – not in a good way either
Crime Lemon and Lime The price we sell our products at is a lemon and lime really
Crook Babbling Brook That company isn’t to be trusted – they’re a bunch of babbling brooks
Cupboard Old Mother Hubbard The stationery is stored in the Old Mother Hubbard
Curry Ruby Murray Fancy a Ruby Murray at lunch?
Cycle George Michael Did you come into work on your George Michael this morning?
Dick Three card trick Sharon from accounts says he has a tiny three card trick
Diet Brixton Riot The missus is on a Brixton riot at the moment
Dirty Two-thrity Sharon from accounts is a bit two-thirty in bed apparently
Dole Nat King Cole At least working here’s better than being on the Nat King Cole
Dollar Oxford Scholar Regardless of the exchange rate – the price is still four thousand Oxford Scholars
Drink Kitchen sink I hate client lunches where the customer doesn’t kitchen sink
Drugs Spark Plugs Have you ever done spark plugs in the toilets at work?
Drunk Elephant’s Trunk You’ve turned up at work elephant’s trunk for the third time this week
Dumb Tom Thumb The hot blonde Essex girl that works in accounts is a bit Tom Thumb
Dump Donald Trump I only ever go for a Donald Trump in my lunch hour
Ear Bottle of beer Could you lend me your bottle of beer for a second? I’d like to run something by you.
Early Liz Hurley I want everybody to turn up to the meeting Liz Hurley so we can go over strategy
Earner Anthea Turner If we sell the remaining inventory – it’ll be a nice little Anthea Turner
Email Holy Grail Send me a holy grail and I’ll take a look at it
Face Drum and Bass If he doesn’t stop flicking rubber bands at me – I’ll punch him in the drum and bass
Facts Brass Tacks I want the brass tacks! Not flimsy excuses!
Fart Horse and Cart Did you do a horse and cart in the middle of that presentation?
Fax Candle Wax Nobody uses a candle wax machine anymore
Fib Maurice Gibb Stop telling Maurice Gibbs – did you or did you not sleep with the client?
Fix Hans Blix You’re going to have to hans blix this – the customer is absolutely livid
Flu Alan Pardew She can’t come into work today – she’s been suffering from a bout of Alan Pardew recently
Fridge Stamford Bridge I always put a week’s worth of ready meals into the Stamford Bridge in the canteen
Fuck Off Vincent Van Gogh Oh will you please Vincent Van Gogh – I’m trying to do a report
Fucked Holborn Viaduct Please put it through on your expenses mate – I’m Holborn Viaduct otherwise
Funny Easter Bunny That last phone call with the client was very easter bunny
Gamble Sol Campbell We could expand into foreign markets, but it would be a huge Sol Cambell for the company
Geezer Bacardi Breezer I’m not sure we need someone on the sales team that is so much of a bacardi breezer
German Ben Sherman Could you please put me through to the Ben Sherman office?
Gin and Tonic Philarmonic I always end a client dinner with a philharmonic
Giro Nightboat to Cairo You’ll be collecting a nightboat to cairo instead of a paycheck soon if you carry on being late
Git Strawberry Split He can be a real strawberry split when he wants to
Good Robin Hood Our current yields in the market are actually quite Robin Hood
Grand Rio Ferdinand I’ll give you the business if you do it for twelve Rio Ferdinand
Gym Fat Boy Slim Are you going to the Fat Boy Slim after work?
Half Cow and Calf I enjoy like a pint after work, but I’m taking antibiotics so I’ll just have a cow and calf
Hand Jazz Band Can I give you a jazz band with the sales figures?
Hangover Ben Dover I always have a Ben Dover on a Friday
Harsh Jodi Marsh A written warning seems a bit Jodi Marsh for what she did
Head Loaf of Bread You need to negotiate with your loaf of bread rather than your mouth
Hole Punch Ploughman’s lunch Could you pass me the ploughman’s lunch – I need to file some invoices
Internet Sportsman’s bet I don’t want the rest of the office finding out I met my wife on the Sportsman’s bet
Invoice Rolls Royce I’m guaranteed a query every time I send out a Rolls Royce
Jeans Bethnal Greens We can wear Bethnal Greens to work on Friday if we donate some money to charity
Job Corn on the Cob I think it’s time I got a new corn on the cob
Joke Diet Coke I don’t mind my team having a laugh and a Diet Coke at Work
Keys Cheddar Cheese Does anyone have clue where the Cheddar cheese to the safe are?
Khazi Ile Nastase Please can I leave the room to use the Ile Nastase
Kick Off Paul Dickov I don’t want to speak to the client because it might Paul Dickov.
Kip Sherbert Dip Er, sorry boss, I wasn’t having a sherbert dip during work hours – honest.
Knackered Cream Crackered I’m cream crackered so I’m taking the lift this morning.
Later Kat Slater I can’t meet you at 11 o’clock unfortunately. Could we have the meeting a bit Kat Slater?
Laugh Steffi Graf I always try to have a Steffi Graf with my team mates
Lazy Beoncee and Jay-Z He’s good at his job but can be a bit Beoncee and Jay-Z at times
Leicester Square Tony Blair Are you going to the product launch up in Tony Blair?
Liar Flat Tyre Like most salespeople – he’s a bit of a flat tyre when he negotiates
Lighter Street Fighter I’m popping outside for a fag, can I borrow your Street Fighter?
Line Patsy Cline Calm down mate – anybody would think you’ve just done a Patsy cline in the toilets
Mate Empire State I’d never grass you up for pulling a sickie – you’re one of my best Empire States in the office
Meeting Ronan Keating Could we arrange a Ronan Keating to sort out our budgets for next year?
Mental Radio Rental She’ll go radio rental when she finds out you’ve stolen her calculator
Milk Kilroy Silk I’ll have a coffee with one sugar – no Kilroy Silk
Minute Phil Lynnot I’ll write up the Phil Lynnots of our last meeting
Missus Dreams and wishes I’ll have to see if the dreams and wishes will let me come home late tonight
Mistake Kendal Mint Cake I think I made a kendal mint cake with the figures on my report
Moans Catherine Zeta Jones He always Catherine Zeta Jones when he’s not allowed to take his annual leave
Mobi Obi Wan Kenobi Shit – I left my Obi Wan Kenobi at my desk
Money Easter Bunny I don’t work here for the people – I do it purely for the Easter Bunny
Monitor Erich Honecker I left you a message to call the client on a post-it note by your Erich Honecker
Morning Verbal Warning We’ll have to discuss the matter in the verbal warning
Mouth North and South Tell the supplier to keep his north and south shut about our proposed rates for next year
Nasty Cornish Pastie He’s being cornish pastie to everyone in the office because of the sales figures
Nervous Customer Service He’s getting customer service because he has an appraisal later today
Nutter Can’t believe it’s not Butter He’s calm in the office but a complete can’t believe it’s not butter when he plays football on a Sunday
Pain Michael Caine He’s a complete Michael Caine when he has a hangover
Paper Linen Draper Where’s the intern? Why is there no linen draper in the printer?
Party Jamie Vardy Are you going to the Christmas Jamie Vardy
Pen Old Mother Hen I hate him – I’d love to stick my Old Mother Hen in his ear.
Penalty Fare Cherie Blair I have to pay a cherie Blair for not having a ticket on the DLR
Pension Shawshank Redemption If I leave the company – I’ll lose my full salary Shawshank Redemption
Phone Nina Simone Get on the Nina Simone and win some new business
Pinch Half Inch Who has half-inched my stapler?
Pint of Stella Nelson Mandela I’ve had a really shitty morning. Can’t wait for a Nelson Mandela at lunch.
Plonker Willy Wonka Stop being a Willy Wonka and quit flicking rubber bands at your colleagues
Poo Efan Ekoku I’ll call him back after I’ve been for an Efan Ekoku
Powder (Cocaine) Seafood Chowder Are you getting the Seafood Chowder in for the christmas party?
Price Tim Rice We’re not selling anything unless it’s at the correct Tim Rice
Prick Moby Dick You were being a real Moby Dick at the pub last night
Printer Bernie Winters The Bernie Winters is broken again
Protractor David Brown Tractor Who’s stolen my David Brown Tractor?
Pub Wormwood Scrubs Did you leave the Wormwood Scrubs before closing time?
Quarter Mother and daughter Our sales have increased by 10% over the last Mother and Daughter
Quid Athletico Madrid That’s a gross profit for the year of 5 million Athletico Madrid
Redundancy Abi Clancy I only got the statutory minimum Abi Clancy payment
Rent Stoke On Trent If I lose my job, I won’t be able to pay the Stoke On Trent
Ring Jonathan King Give the client a Jonathan King
Row Apocalypse Now We’ll no doubt end up having an Apocalypse Now with the suppliers over this
Rubber Airplane rudder I hope you wore an airplane rudder? She is the office bike after all
Ruler Mango and Passion Fruit Cooler Don’t underline your notes by hand – why don’t you use a mango and passion fruit cooler
Sack Union Jack If you do that again you’ll get the Union Jack
Safe Adam Faith Has anybody taken any money from the petty cash Adam Faith this morning?
Shirt Muck and dirt I forgot to iron my muck and dirt this morning
Shit Brad Pitt I’ve interviewed three candidates this morning and they were all Brad Pitt
Shite Barry White Our recent performance has been Barry White
Shocker Grande Mocha He’s having an absolute grande mocha this morning
Shoes Scooby Doos Did you buy some new Scooby Doos after getting promoted?
Shop Lolly Pop Our latest products can be bought in most high street Lolly pops
Shower Blackpool Tower I always have a Blackpool Tower in the morning
Sick Slick Rick I can’t come into work this morning as I’m feeling very Slick Rick
Sickie Metal Mickie I’m pulling a Metal Mickie tomorrow so I can attend the interview
Skint Caroline Flint I can’t come out tonight – It’s the end of the month and I’m Caroline Flint
Skive Cheese and Chive I might have to Cheese and Chive tomorrow to watch the England match
Skiver Lady Godiva He’s  a bit of a Lady Godiva when he’s hungover
Slash Pat Cash Please can you answer any calls while I go for a Pat Cash
Smoke Can of Coke Are you coming outside for a can of Coke?
Snout Boxing Bout Any chance I could borrow a boxing Bout from you?
Specs Posh and Becks I notice you’ve bought a new pair of Posh and Becks
Spreadsheet Red Meat All the forecasts for next year are in the red meat I sent you
Stairs Apple and Pears I’m not taking the lift, I’m taking the apples and Pears
Starbucks Jimmy Tarbuck I’m popping into Jimmy Tarbuck for a coffee
Starving Hank Marvin I can’t wait until lunch – I’m Hank Marvin
Steak Rikki Lake I think I’ll be ordering the Rikki Lake at lunch
Steaming Jan Leeming You were absolutely Jan Leeming at the pub last night
Suit Whistel and Flute I really like your new whistle and flute
Table Auntie Mabel If I had a secretary – I’d do her on the Auntie Mabel
Tablet Gary Ablett What do think of the new Gary Ablett that Apple has released?
Tax Candle Wax Nice one – I got a Candle Wax rebate in the post this morning
Taxi Jo Baxi Are we getting a tube to the meeting or shall we grab a Jo Baxi
Tea Jack Dee I’ll have a cup of Jack Dee as it’s eleven o’clock
Text Malcolm X Send me a Malcom X with all the information you need
Tie Blueberry Pie Can everybody where suits and blueberry pies for the business pitch please?
Till Salmon and Dill He got sacked for dipping his fingers into the Salmon and Dill
Time Nickel and Dime What Nickle and Dime do we have to stay at the trade exhibition until?
Toaster Election Poster I’m having cereal for breakfast this morning because the election poster caught fire
Toilet Pontious Pilate I heard they had sex in the Pontious Pilate after work once
Train Bruce Wayne Sorry I’m late – I slept in and missed the Bruce Wayne this morning
Tram Honey Glazed Ham If the trains aren’t running you can always take the Honey Glazed Ham
Trousers Doogie Howsers When was the last time you dry cleaned your Doogie Howsers?
Turd Richard the third I’ve tried to correct your figures, but you can’t polish a Richard the third
Umbrella Paul Weller Shit – I think I left my Paul Weller in the taxi
Vomit Wallace and Gromit I think I’m going to Wallace and Gromit if I drink anymore
Wages Yellow Pages I think I’m due an increase in my Yellow pages this quarter
Watch Bottle of Scotch Could you check your bottle of scotch to see what time it is?
Website  Cock Fight Would you like to buy some advertsing on our cock fight?
Week Bubble and Squeak How have we performed in terms of sales this Bubble and Squeak?
Winner Roast dinner We don’t employ losers here – everyone’s a roast dinner in this office
Work Captain Kirk If you’re not busy – I’ll give you some extra Captain Kirk
Yanks Sherman Tank We’ll have to get that signed off by the Sherman Tanks at head office
Years Donkey’s Ears I’ve worked here for Donkey’s Ears
Zoo Church Pew Working here feels like being at the Church Pew sometimes



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