Well, that time of year is finally upon us and its Christmas party season once again. Careers will be destroyed and formerly good reputations will be lost as the hard work and diligence that you have managed to persuade your superiors you possess in abundance, get usurped by your capacity to behave badly in the company of free booze and a few of your colleagues. This is a problem for most people and should be self-monitored if you’ll be staying with your company for the foreseeable future – but if you’re planning on leaving in January, none of it actually matters.
We have drawn up a list of things to do at the office Christmas party if you’re planning on leaving in the new year. Let’s be honest – you’re the only one that’ll actually be able to enjoy themselves!
1. Photocopy your bottom
Why? Because it’s the only time you’ll ever be able to get away with doing it if you get caught – that’s why. Any other time of the year and you’ll just get labelled as a weirdo. You might also want to consider distributing a few copies to your colleagues as well.
2. Snog the oldest person you work with
It may be the boss, or it may be the 65 year old cleaner. Whoever it is, this is your chance to show your colleagues that you’re not in any way ageist when it comes to getting off with colleagues at the office Christmas party. If you can, try and arrange a sweepstake beforehand with the winner taking home cash for highest age achieved!
3. Recite a famous rap song whilst standing on the table
If possible, try to expose your underwear if you’re a girl, or pull a moony if you’re a bloke. The song in question can be from any period in the history of hip hop, but we would suggest an old school track so that you can impress the oldie that you just have, or are planning to snog at some point in the evening.
4. Send offensive emails to the boss from someone else’s computer
You’ve been dying to do it all year anyway, so here is your big chance. The key thing to note is that you’ll have to acquire your colleague’s password beforehand before you’re able to cause professional havoc, but once you have it – just watch them lose the promotion they beat you to getting earlier on in the year!
5. Reprogram the boss’s phone
You’ll need to make sure that you redirect all the calls from reception straight to your boss’s phone. If you can, try and get unanswered calls to redirect to the boss’s mobile to cause even further mischief. Your boss won’t know how to change it back and you can tell them that you’ll do it as long they give you a decent reference – thus nullifying the effects of all the other naughty things you do at the office Christmas party.
6. Confess to all the lies you told in your job interview
Your aim here should be to get everyone else to confess all the lies that they told as well – the point being, you’ll be leaving the company but no one else is!
7. Get incredibly drunk………of course
Your behaviour should include telling everyone that you love them, crying, starting a fight and peeing in a pot plant. You already have a promise from the boss that you’ll get a good reference, so this is freedom unlike any other!
8. Start an office conga
It might take a bit of persuasion because remember – most other people will be staying with the company and as a result will be concerned about how this will affect their internal profile. Nevertheless, once you get a few people to join in your human train, the rest will follow – it’s a bit like the reverse of a domino effect!
9. Change the boss’s screensaver
If you can, try and obtain a compromising image with your smartphone and then use this. When your boss comes into work on Monday morning, they’ll get a right old shock when they find out they were the worst behaved person at the party – apart from you of course!
10. Add some extra vodka to the punch bowl
The logic being that if for any reason you decide not to leave the company in January at the last minute, you’ll need some of your boring colleagues to make fools of themselves as well so that your bad behaviour doesn’t stand out quite as much!