Your workplace computer offers a multitude of ways that enemies in the office can gain access to the parts of your life that you’d rather were kept hidden. It may be that you’ve sent a CV to a prospective employer, or maybe you’re having an extra-marital affair with the hot blonde Essex girl/boy that works in accounts? The point is, most email, internet usage, phone calls and voicemails are monitored at work so here’s what you can do to ensure you don’t give away any more information to your boss than you absolutely have to:
1. Never download pornography
The files from sites containing pornographic content get stored on your PC’s temp folder which can easily be accessed. Also, avoid using the word ‘Sex’ in email messages as this will cause whoever’s monitoring your communication to ‘prick’ their ears up as it were. The worst website to be caught downloading obscene material from during work hours is www.iwishmygirlfriendwoulddothat.com according to our sales rep.
2. Bring your own laptop in
Basically, you should have as little contact with the workplace systems as possible. Use an independent web-based email account and make sure you’re accessing the web on your own mobile wi-fi connection rather than via the office-based servers.
3. Use code instead of everyday language in communications
If you and a colleague have decided to attempt to get one of your co-workers sacked, the last thing you should do is leave any evidence of your dastardly scheme as constructive dismissal payouts can be a bit lumpy these days. If you use word substitution methods, it’s possible to confuse the true meaning of emails to co-conspirators, thus giving you the ability to deny all allegations made against you if the plan doesn’t go as well as you hope. For example the words: ‘meet me at The Union Jack pub tomorrow at 7pm,’ would read as, ‘the national anthem will be played on 28th September at 2400 hours.’
The way the system works is as follows:
The person who sends the email adds five to all the key details so tomorrow which is the 23rd April for example, now becomes the 28th September. ‘Union Jack Pub,’ would be pre-agreed to be called, ‘the national anthem,’ and 2400 is really 1900.
Just be sure that your fellow conniver is (a) reasonably numerate and (b) has sufficient knowledge of the months of the year or your plan could go horribly wrong for the silliest of reasons.
4. Choose passwords that are made up of various elements
It sounds obvious but you’d be surprised how many people use the word, ‘password’ as their actual password. The following password: Tkt0joijoihjoo%”$%///^&%^&ggvj32 on the other hand, isn’t a bad one to use if you’re able to remember it.
5. Use both hands to conceal the password you’re inputting
It’s not the fastest way to log into your system, but If you conceal the password you are inputting with one hand you can be sure that no one snooping over your shoulder will get to see your keystrokes.
6. Be mindful of where you’re logging in
Apart from the fact that the wi-fi at tube stations is slow enough to turn coal into diamond, logging into your computer in a public place leaves you open to the prying eyes of one of your competitors that may be following your tail. You should also avoid public access computers as they often contain spyware of some kind.
7. Keep it in your head (for crying out loud!)
If, like most of the team here at The W1nners’ Club, you have a memory like a sieve as a result of the majority of your formative years being spent at raves, you might struggle to remember the odd password. If you absolutely have to write it down, keep it in a sealed and safe place away from would-be interlopers!