We’ve all been there. The ‘swift pint’ on a Tuesday night just as you’re starting to recover from a heavy festival weekend. The ‘swifty’ will however inevitably evolve into a swift six or seven pints of lager followed by shots and then it’s on to a late bar. After that, it’s anyone’s guess what will actually happen next and it’s safe to say that you’ll probably never remember it (thankfully).
All night drinking sessions in the middle of the working week are as common in office life as sick leave (if not the number 1 cause), so it’s important that you know how to get through the following day as you slowly recover.
Here at The W1nners’ Club, a significant number of staff members often stay out until the early hours during the week and the more hardcore amongst our ranks sometimes don’t go home at all.
Being the caring and sharing bunch that we are, we have decided to help those of you that are of a more nocturnal persuasion and can’t help burning the midnight oil until 9am when you’re supposed to be sat at your desk ready for a productive working day:
1. Buy a shirt or blouse
Most retail establishments are open by 8am on a weekday morning so if you’ve been out all night, you’ll need to be at the front door of Burtons or M&S by opening time, credit card at the ready and eager to purchase a two shirts and one tie combo that’s on special offer in the sale. You’d be surprised how many of your colleagues will remember what you were wearing yesterday!
2. Buy a toothbrush and toothpaste
This is essential if you are not going to poison gas your colleagues during the mid-morning meeting. It’s especially necessary if you are seeing clients at any point in the day. You’ll need the confidence that only a gleaming set of gnashers can provide if you are going to convince everyone that you were tucked up in bed by 9pm last night.
3. Go to the gym
………not to workout silly – there’s no time for that! You’ll need to use your seldom utilised, subsidised gym membership to use the washroom facilities. Now do you not regret cancelling your membership?
4. Don’t talk to anyone in the office
You may have a brand new shirt on and sparkling white tooth enamel, but if you’re going to play, ‘I was in bed before Newsnight started,’ with your colleagues, there’s plenty more that you’ll need to do to cover your tracks. We suggest you limit all conversation to the bare minimum when dealing with co-workers. The croaky voice will give you away quicker than Judas would after receiving an offer of twenty pieces of silver in the Garden of Gethsemane.
5. Don’t look at anyone
The eyes are the window to the soul – so hide yours! They haven’t been closed for 24 hours and look like they’re in dire need of some, err – shut eye. If your job involves impersonating Ray Charles, you may skip this section and simply wear your shades all day in the office. Everyone else will unfortunately have to keep their head down and avoid eye contact with anyone.
6. Look busy
Okay, we know you start at 9am and no actual work gets done until 11, but operating in your current state means you’ll have to stay off the management radar for as long as possible. The last thing you need in your situation is to be pulled up and asked a load of difficult questions by the boss. You should therefore look as if you’re deeply engrossed by the mountain of work you have to do so that your boss won’t feel the need to micro-manage you.
7. Drink lots of coffee
Coffee is ideal for sustaining you in the late stages of the morning because the caffeine will give you just enough of an energy boost to keep you awake until lunchtime. Don’t make the mistake of drinking water. Whilst it’ll taste nice and refreshing, there’s a strong chance that you might sober up which could spell disaster in terms of getting through the rest of the day.
8. Go for a drink at lunchtime
If you’ve made it this far then it should be downhill all the way from here because you now have the opportunity to go to the pub at lunchtime to recharge your alcoholic batteries. The ‘hair of the dog’ is arguably your most valuable weapon in terms of getting through the rest of the day, so make sure the opportunity to refill isn’t wasted!
9. Go for a kip in the toilets
Now that you are sufficiently drunk again after your lunchtime drinking session, you’ll need to go for a power nap in the toilets to help pass a bit of time in the afternoon. A good technique to use is to sit on the loo with the seat down and stretch your feet out in front of you and push them against the toilet door. The average sized person should be able to wedge themselves so that they stay sitting upright as they begin to doze off.
10. Catch up on social media
The late afternoon will require you to pass the time until it’s time to go home. Use this period to ‘like’ friends’ social media posts and watch You Tube videos. The real work can start tomorrow when you’ve sobered up properly – that’s if you don’t go out for a drink with colleagues tonight again of course!