Legal Disclaimer: The W1nners’ Club is not a safe place to work and neither is anyone that works here particularly healthy….
You have rights goddam it!
Compared to the rest of history, working life has never been as safe as it is today. Unfortunate bodily entanglements with a Spinning Jenny were about as common a workplace occurrence in the past as hangovers are now.
It wasn’t so much that people didn’t know to keep their errant shirt sleeves away from the spinning wheel as it whizzed around at ten-to-the-dozen, it’s that good health and safety training costs money and saving money back then was more important than whether or not staff went home after work with both of their arms still in each socket.
Fast forward a couple of hundred years however and things are a little bit different.
The Health and Safety Executive was set up to ensure that your time at work is generally free from the risk of having bodily extremities dismembered. Staff nowadays can spend their wages at the pub, safe in knowledge that both their upper limbs are available to hold a pint and a cigarette in each hand at lunchtime.
In honour of such fine work therefore, we have put together The W1nners’ Club guide to Health and Safety in the workplace. We consider it the Holy Grail of Health and Safety information and our only caveat is that you do as we say rather than do as we do!
You have the right:
- To work in a place where having a, ‘good career,’ means you’ve successfully progressed up the ranks rather than simply retiring with all your body parts intact.
- To cease working if you believe the daily staff headcount will need to be carried out separately from the body count if the current working methods are adhered to any longer.
- To not have your employer cover their ears and start, ‘la-la-la-ing,’ every time anyone mentions the words, ‘health,’ and, ‘safety,’ in the same sentence.
- To contact The Health and Safety Executive and/or the Local Authority and not be called a, ‘whistle blower,’ a, ‘tattle-tale,’ or anything else that is equally offensive simply because management don’t like the fact that you’ve raised concerns about how dangerous your job is.
- To don a Jeremy Corbyn style, ‘Lenin,’ hat and join your trade union as a safety representative (although it helps to know all the words to, ‘The Red Flag,’ verbatim before attempting to perform it during work hours).
- To take time off work on full pay for safety representative training (Here at The W1nners’ Club the amount of applications to be the office safety representative shot up significantly once this fact came to light).
- To take a 20 minute break if you work for more than 6 hours and a statutory minimum 20 days of paid leave which in our opinion should also be capped at 20 minutes.
- To provide, ‘sufficient,’ toilet, washing and drinking facilities ie. not all in a single sink!!
- Adequate First Aid provisions. NB – The phrase, ‘Just walk it off,’ is not considered adequate First aid treatment, particularly if the individual in question no longer has the capacity to walk as a result of their workplace accident.
As an employer you must:
- Explain Health and Safety risks to staff in language they can understand. If they don’t understand you, try a game of charades that includes whatever the mime is for the term, ‘severely injured.’
- Let fellow employees know who the allotted person is for managing Health and Safety risk assessment in the workplace – thus making the person that usually sends the envelope around for staff birthdays and leaving gifts even more unpopular as it will inevitably be the same individual.
- Protect everybody in the workplace from harm – even the ones you’ve been trying to manage out of the company for the last 6 months.
- Provide instruction to employees on how to get First Aid treatment and what to do in an emergency. Please note – the printer running out of toner is not classed as an emergency under The Health and Safety Act.
- Provide training to employees to enable them to do their job properly – although we do concede that some individuals in the workplace are truly beyond help of any kind.
- Provide the necessary protective equipment for staff such as earplugs, secret stashes of Vodka and ‘talk to the hand,’ gestures – anything to help them get through a stressful day.
- Provide health checks if staff are at risk from ill-health because of work. This does not include hangovers or morning sickness caused by extra-marital pregnancy.
- Provide regular health checks for night staff and a check before they start any shift work – especially the hot blonde Essex girl that works in accounts payable (yes – we know she had a, ‘health check,’ yesterday but you can never be too careful when it comes to employee welfare can you?)