We all get to a point in our careers where the 9 to 5 just isn’t cutting it anymore. It may well be that you need to seek a new professional path but 9 times out of 10 that feeling of being jaded exists because you’re overworked, underpaid and could do with a bloody good holiday.
Instead of bursting into tears every time you open up the Facebook app and see pictures of your old school friends partying on a beach at moonlight in Thailand, take control of the situation and look into the ways that will enable you to leave your job with a nice big payoff.
Here at The W1nners’ Club we often have to pay people off for various management indiscretions * so we thought we would put our expert knowledge to good use and help others swindle as much money out of their employer’s pockets as we’ve had expropriated from ours.
Good luck and send us your favourite beach photos:
1. Tell your boss you don’t know what you’ll do if you don’t get a pay rise straight away
This will immediately put your boss on the backfoot and make them feel uncomfortable. Watch for body language signs like folding of the arms, clearing of the throat and the avoidance of eye contact. This will demonstrate that they are thinking to themselves, “Help! Get this freak out of my office and my company now!”
2. Try to appear needy
It’s important for you to wear your heart on your sleeve when you first enter your boss’s office for a discussion about your, ‘career progression.’ Let your boss know how much you want to go travelling without actually saying you want to go travelling. Turning up to the meeting holding a copy of Lonely Planet would certainly help you create the right impression. It may also be a good idea to run up and down the stairs a few times before the meeting to ensure you appear sweaty and out of breath – this will convince your boss that you are a few screwdrivers short of a tool box.
3. For God’s sake don’t appear in any way competent
Market share, month-on-month revenue, % margins – this information should all be left at your desk. Remember, you are trying to get the boss to wonder how the hell you managed to get a job with the company in the first place. Timing is key here and your tactics will be most effective if cost-cutting measures like redundancies are imminent.
4. Try to appear larger than life
You’ll need to swamp your boss with a degree of subtly challenging behaviour. Try wearing a brightly coloured suit or dress, apply lots of fragrance and/or make up, grip your boss’s hand tightly when shaking hands and never take your eyes off them during the discussion. Your boss will start to feel increasingly uncomfortable as the meeting progresses – especially because a second ago you appeared extremely needy…
5. Come to the meeting armed with a presentation
This should be filled with a ton of ideas about what you would do to change the company if you were in charge. It’s important to talk as much as possible for as long as you can. Try not to let your boss interject at any point and indicate before you begin that you’re sure your boss will agree with everything you have to say.
6. Ask lots of closed questions
A rapid fire succession of questions that your boss can only give the answer, ‘yes,’ or, ‘no,’ to will make them feel like they are being interrogated. Crucially, it is a way of showing a degree of insubordination without actually being overtly insubordinate – very important now that your boss is internally working out what will be the quickest way to get rid of you.
7. Attempt to close the deal as quickly as possible
Home in on getting your employer to say yes to a pay rise that is larger than an elephant’s ball sack. You know it won’t happen, but the point is that the sheer audacity of asking and the arrogance you show in demanding such a large figure will convince your boss that you may be a narcissist. Trust us, narcissists are not welcome in the workplace – we should know!
8. Create the impression that all you care about is money
You need to convince your boss that they have a real mercenary on their hands. You need to create the impression that you would happily trade company secrets with competitors if they paid you for it. If possible, try to convince your boss that you may be a corporate spy by looking disinterested when they discuss the management challenges that the company faces. Yawning and looking at your watch and mobile phone will help to achieve such a result.
9. Be as negative as possible
You need to throw in as many complaints as possible about your day-to-day circumstances. It’ll work best if you moan about things like personal finances, that fact that you haven’t had a pay rise in ages and that you believe your colleagues don’t like you. Your aim is to make the boss feel like you’re the biggest problem the company faces going forward including Brexit, the collapse of Sterling, the low price of oil and a general downturn in the worldwide economy.
10. Give a grand, posturing ultimatum to finish
A take it or leave it would work best here. It’s important that your boss feels so much on the defensive that the thought of you working at the company for another day will give them nightmares. This conversation needs to be treated in such a way that you create as much discord as possible without getting sacked for any definable transgression. Be bold, be weird and awkwardly incompetent – but for Pete’s sake don’t be rude or the closest you’ll get to Thailand will be a portion of Pad Thai and Dim Sum at your next client lunch.
* Or sometimes when we realise we’ve made a howling mistake recruitment wise