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Lord Sugar - The W1nners' Club

Reality TV is big business these days – not just for the TV stations that have been consistently lowering the tone of popular entertainment for the last 15 years or so, but also for the contestants. Jade Goody (RIP) was arguably the first bona fide superstar to emerge from the reality TV universe and more recently the likes of Katie Hopkins have become household names as a result of not winning a reality TV competition they entered with the express aim of winning.

The W1nners’ Club is The W1nners’ Club in nature as well as just in name, so we have devised a way for you to be able to quit your office job and end up with your own topless calendar deal, your own fragrance, a Christmas record, a footballer spouse and a lifestyle that will allow you to spend your time doing whatever it is that people do who become famous for no apparent reason and who are possessed of no recognisable ability of any kind.

If you follow our instructions to the letter, you won’t necessarily win the show, but you might just end up with a movie deal about your life story:

1.    Apply to go on The Apprentice


Naturally – you work in an office and that is your skill!

2.    Forget about the cameras


The cameras will be rolling throughout your appearance on the show so inevitably, your natural predilection will be to present yourself as polite, positive, friendly and generally personable. This behaviour however is the very antithesis of reality TV stardom. If ratings depended on such conduct, Songs of Praise would be the nation’s most popular TV show. Drop the nice guy/girl act and be your usual ambitious, obnoxious self from the outset and in the process, try to ruffle as many of your fellow contestant’s feathers as is humanly possible.

3.    Don’t make any sense whatsoever


Your overarching strategy is to gain as many newspaper column inches as possible before you inevitably get fired from the show. You therefore need to get your voice heard as often as possible. Always sound confident when you speak and pad out your sentences with lots of ‘ums,’ ‘ers,’ and ‘could you run that by me agains?’ The main thing to ensure is that you’re the first one to speak rather than the person that has any answers for anything.

4.    Always be judgemental


You have many weapons at your disposal in your arsenal such as snide remarks, rude glares and giving others the silent treatment. Getting on well with your fellow contestants might help you to win the show, but working against them will get you the Twitter followers. The tasks are designed to test how well you manage others, but when you’re sat on the couch next to Tom Cruise on The Graham Norton Show – none of this will matter!

5.    Copy everyone


Your aim is to make sure that you stay on The Apprentice long enough to promote your personal brand so that you crowd out the winner’s profile with your unbelievable stupidity. The best thing to do therefore is copy your fellow contestants to the letter. Their tactics, responses, attitude – everything. The rationale behind this is that you will negate the kudos that your opponents gain and will also drag yourself up to their superior level of ability – just like you do when you’re at work. If one of your fellow contestants appears in any way loud, confident or a bit ‘quirky,’ you can neutralise the level of attention they get by being equally loud or quirky yourself.

6.    Never take criticism well


Remember that you’re always right – ALWAYS! Taking feedback and criticism on board in a mature manner might help you win a given task, but nothing will generate YouTube views like challenging other people’s valid point of view for no reason other than arrogance and attention seeking. Overly defensive behaviour and sulking is the stuff of which TV gold is made, provided it is preceded by somebody’s entirely valid and constructive criticism beforehand.

7.    Get fired!


………because nobody who ever won The Apprentice ended up with a job on LBC and subsequently got sued for their obnoxious tweets!


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