Working life is hard. In the years that pass subsequent to getting your first job after leaving school or college, you will be reduced to a mere number on a balance sheet. The enjoyment of your life will take second place behind the need to put food on the table and clothes on your back. You will become the property of the organization you work for and you will never be paid enough or thanked sufficiently for the effort you make in terms of generating success for your employer.
But fear not, because here at The W1nners’ Club we have devised a solution; a way for employees the world over to claim back their lives and avoid work whilst still getting paid for a full day’s toil.
The main thing to do is to ensure that you pack your day with lots of activities that appear to be part of a normal work schedule, but in reality have nothing to do with anything contained in your job description.
Procrastinators of the world unite – this guide was written for you!
Email provides a great way for you to appear studious and diligent at your desk whilst doing absolutely nothing of benefit for your employer. The email is so heavily ingrained in office culture that you’re more likely to get into trouble with the boss for never opening your inbox than spending all day scrolling through it. We therefore suggest that you sign up to all your favourite online newsletters and provide your work email address as a point of contact, thus enabling you to spend a significant portion of your day searching for that article on your favourite topic of interest – a seemingly legitimate activity if the boss is walking past!
The problem with meetings, is that they are usually a complete and utter waste of time. Nothing ever gets done in a meeting apart from discussions about what the next meeting should be about. They are therefore a great way to pretend you are being productive without actually doing anything that will benefit the company in any way – so make sure you fill up that diary!
3. Browse the internet
The reality for most managers is that they have all heard of this thing known as, ‘the digital revolution,’ but very few have any idea what the hell it means. We can pretty much guarantee that your boss will know that it has something to do with the internet, but not much more than that. This therefore presents you with a golden opportunity to claim you’re being innovative and productive in your working practices, whilst simultaneously reading about your favourite football team or Hollywood actor for most of the day. We suggest you use terms like, ‘future proofing the business in the age of digital disruption,’ if you’re ever asked why you’re reading an article on the latest Super Mario Game.
Here at The W1nners’ Club we don’t advocate lateness, we advocate lateness that has a damn good reason attached to it. If you’re smart and a bit creative, it’s possible to get away with being late to work at least a couple of times a week. Between traffic jams, train cancellations, burst pipes, broken boilers, sick pets and/or partners/kids, car crashes, burglaries and lost keys – it’s possible to reclaim a significant proportion of the working week and still get paid for it.
5. Going to the toilet
The golden rule here is to never go to the toilet during breaks or your lunch hour. If you do, it effectively means that you are going to the toilet and not getting paid for it. If you use the loo during your normal working hours, you’re actually getting paid to pee or poo! Imagine getting paid for taking a dump!